NNN-Next New Normal

Wondering why sedation is the answer to grieving? It was more of a problem for me.  Maybe its my addictive personality, maybe it just wasn’t right for me.  

I refuse to take the sedation any more. 

Running straight into it with my eyes open…it has to be that way.

27 years ago I was here. Bad, no terrible devastating decisions, drugs, alcohol, and whatever gets you through the night. Reaching out for anything.

I learned the hard way, but I learned. There is no easy way out of here. So keep your head, move forward no matter what the pain feels like, be the overcomer you are created to be. If the need a rises to grab on to something, then grab a hold of the only One who loves us so deep, so high, so wide, so long. He is the only One who knows every detail of our life. 

Always for us, not against us.

Strong safe place to land.

Never gets tired of us, always wants more of us.

Next step in the New Normal; 

Believing the only One will not leave us in the desolate place, and will restore us to something beautiful, He is faithful and He does not lie, He has no darkside, and He doesn’t need us, He wants us….even in our messy broken lives…

grief process

So many things one must experience in the grief process. None are easy.  Constantly missing and wanting someone who will never walk thru the door again.  If that is not enough to cause stress, suddenly you take his place in parenting, providing, and comforting others. After 50 days of working like crazy to pull things together, talking to people to receive help, many who treat you as if you are scamming them, things slow down to the beginning of a new normal.  Without a doubt, God has brought us through all of it. Many people helped us financially without any gain for them self.

As things get quiet…realizing all your dreams have disappeared with your loss.  New dreams seem almost impossible. A huge void opens.  Clinging to the only One who can help and who understands fully.  Moments of peace. 

Sleep is what I need, instead, I wake up in the middle of an anxiety attack which is foreign to me. Crying , shaking, finding it difficult to breathe.

I truly do not understand this part. It may be normal, I may have to go thru this.  It just seems like another pill for me, and I am looking forward to restoration. I still believe, He is going to rescue me.

Sleeping Through the Storms ~ by TheNorEaster

After several days of trying to pull my thoughts into words this gentleman has done it for me. With His permission I am reposting this. For more of his writing, you can find him here

 

“Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples woke him up, shouting, ‘Lord, save us! We are going to drown!’

“Jesus responded, ‘Why are you so afraid? You have so little faith!’ Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm.”

~Matthew 8:24-26 NLT

I get desperately exhausted every time I consider this passage. The miracle used to amaze me, but now something very different does: Jesus is sleeping.

Outside.

 

On a boat.
In the middle of a storm.

He has been serving God so diligently and so determinedly — and so passionately to the point of exhaustion — that the fierce winds and cold rains and frigid waves do not even phase Him as He sleeps.

He sleeps.
Finally, He sleeps.
At long last, He can get some rest.

I am amazed at the enormously immense burdens He must have carried that led Him to such a profound point of exhaustion. When I consider my own cross, it makes my head spin.

I’m tired.
All the time.
I’m so tired I’m just tired.

But, I can’t sleep through the storms. I see the winds and feel the rains. And my heart jumps every time the freezing waves wash over me. I can taste the salt in my sleep.

I sleep.
But, never rest.
My heart is just too heavy.

I know to be still and know. And I know to trust His sovereignty. That it will all work out in the grand scheme. And in the end. Greater good, and all that. All that.

But, the silence
of an impossible God
keeps up my heart restless.

The God who makes all things possible has created, to my own small mind, the impossible. And mine is a life so impossible I do not want to know what I know. Not anymore I don’t.

I can’t
even explain
what happened.

And while I always can find someone to listen, I know of no one who can understand, who has been where I am. Difficult to do, actually, since I do not even know where I am.

It’s a place
beyond broken, where
you drift in glorious defeat.

And it is a place where all arguments are absurd, every insult stems from the sin of pride, opinions are the nemesis of truth, and knowledge is completely meaningless.

And people who
do not understand
think you do not care.

And yet, you want so much to find some way to tell them that you do care, but the only words you can find to explain your defeat are that you don’t. That you don’t care.

Listen.
I do care.
All I do is care.

Ideals are the dreams of blind men. And I am just not a man consumed by the issues of the day. Nor am I the one to take up the cause of the moment. And I’ll tell you why.

Because
I am tired.
I’m so tired I’m just tired.

And I still can’t sleep through the storms. Instead, I am the man of the sea terrified by what I see. And I just want to wake Him up, to calm the storm so I can rest.

Yes, Lord,
I am terrified.
Please, let me rest.

 

 

 

Mondays…love to hate it

I am not a fan of Mondays never was, always childlike in stop having fun and get back to work.  UGH!  

It never fails that once I start my week, its really not that bad.

Of course, I believe Chocolate helps mondays to be sweeter.

What do you love to hate, and what makes it sweeter?

oh How He Loves

This song has taken on a much deeper meaning lately.

Life has changed…

Wow! haven’t been here for a long time….

Not sure where to start, but knowing I need to …

God called my soul mate home, unexpectedly.  

God spoke to me minutes before…” this is bigger than you know, I will take care of you, I am your husband”

It didn’t stop the pain from being the worst ever.

It did help me to draw closer to Him.

He did provide through others, some who know me, some who do not. 

We are financially making it, month to month, all by the Grace of God.

Several times a day, its as easy as “touch this pain and stop it, get me through this day” 

Immediately the pain eases, and daily normal living continues.

I don’t know the war in the heavenlies, but I know its there.

We all feel it through the day…the enemy is ruthless.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Don’t know what our new normal will look like, but we are hopeful that God restores as well as faithful.

It’s Personal

“Indeed, every good and perfect thing that has ever come into our lives has come as a gift to us from God Himself. It did not bubble up like crude oil from this earth. It flowed down like rain from the riverbanks of Heaven. It was intentional. It was personal. Yet we see ourselves at the mercy of random events, abilities, and coincidences.”-Beth Moore

It is way too easy to lose focus.  Wars around the world, the news with so many things to tear your security away from you. Health issues.  Yet, we have this…

Our Almighty God, King of kings, Supreme and Sovereign yet Loving and Compassionate. Creator of the universe, including us. Every thing strategically placed in His plan, blessings and cursings. He doesn’t need us, He wants us.  He sings over us and keeps watch while we sleep, everything to bring us closer to Him. His glory will shine, with or without us, but what an honor to shine His glory.  He has done everything to give us a way to be with Him.

The last six months have been difficult with my health.  Changing medicine, trying to understand what is going on with my body, trying not to be angry and bitter.  This week, while surrending to “this must be what you have for me”, He showed me something miraculous!  My doctors did not share with me the danger of being removed from one medication to another.  My Pharmacist put something in my bag, that was just the dangers of leaving that medication, honestly I felt most of those side effects that should have been treated. In my ignorance of all of this, I just rode it out. Some nights I just prayed to sustain me.  I am past the six months of danger, still weak, still having issues with the heat and humidity. This will take a year, but I have not used anything other than my allergy-asthma medication.

I felt the hug from Him, the reassurance that He has been giving me everything I need to live, the love of a Father (who truly can fix anything).

This is personal, He can do anything, He acts on our behalf without asking for the things we need, He already knows and is already doing it.

He is still in control, nothing that is going on in the world or our communities is shocking Him. Focus on Him, and the greatest gift of all, His never ending love. Loving us so much as to make that bridge (Jesus) so we would not be apart from Him.  Beautiful.