Wearing His Ring

Struggling for a year. Struggling with what it means – “God is husband to the widow”. I am fully aware that He does not interpret things as I do, and His ways are higher than mine, and so on. I know the theology.  But what does that mean to me; a girl, lost without her soulmate, a mother who desperately wants to continue to point her children to what is eternal and not temperal, working harder than ever?

One year ago, God spoke to me. “I will be your husband , I will take care of you, this is bigger than you know, believe me”.  He has taken care of me, life is hard but it continues to come together. Blessed in the midst of heart ache.

Pondering:

-Grieving does not require anyone to fix me, I am not that kind of broken.

-climbing up on His lap, and holding on, hiding in Him, is my comfort.

-He gives me what I need, a job with amazing people, a free place to take my children to get away. (that is the nicest place i have ever stayed.) Money to live and meet my responsibilities.

-He gives me what thrills my heart.  A spectacular sunset, a bird singing, sunshine, warm temperature in the middle of the frozen east coast.

How does all this tie together? He is the lover of my soul. His bride is in pain, her heart breaks over and over. He promises to dry every tear, but first there must be tears to dry. We are promised victory, but first there is a battle.

Today I found a ring, that fits like it was made for me, instant love for this ring. Decided I will wear it, and remember He is my husband, and we are not home yet. This is all part of Kingdom living…

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Journeying Home

Long week of sorrows.  I realize it will be like a rollercoaster. But the ride is tiring.

Disgruntled. This life is exhausting to only bring me barely breathing.

Remembering all that I have in Christ, and feeling small in all of it.

Wondering why I long to feel like I am home, belonging, beautiful, secure.

I was created for all of it, this is just not my home, I belong to Heaven.

Its ok to feel all this.

Wanting to be found in Him, and grateful for all the beauty around me and the people who care about me.

Journeying to the place I was created for, Heaven is my home…

Sleeping Through the Storms ~ by TheNorEaster

After several days of trying to pull my thoughts into words this gentleman has done it for me. With His permission I am reposting this. For more of his writing, you can find him here

 

“Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples woke him up, shouting, ‘Lord, save us! We are going to drown!’

“Jesus responded, ‘Why are you so afraid? You have so little faith!’ Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm.”

~Matthew 8:24-26 NLT

I get desperately exhausted every time I consider this passage. The miracle used to amaze me, but now something very different does: Jesus is sleeping.

Outside.

 

On a boat.
In the middle of a storm.

He has been serving God so diligently and so determinedly — and so passionately to the point of exhaustion — that the fierce winds and cold rains and frigid waves do not even phase Him as He sleeps.

He sleeps.
Finally, He sleeps.
At long last, He can get some rest.

I am amazed at the enormously immense burdens He must have carried that led Him to such a profound point of exhaustion. When I consider my own cross, it makes my head spin.

I’m tired.
All the time.
I’m so tired I’m just tired.

But, I can’t sleep through the storms. I see the winds and feel the rains. And my heart jumps every time the freezing waves wash over me. I can taste the salt in my sleep.

I sleep.
But, never rest.
My heart is just too heavy.

I know to be still and know. And I know to trust His sovereignty. That it will all work out in the grand scheme. And in the end. Greater good, and all that. All that.

But, the silence
of an impossible God
keeps up my heart restless.

The God who makes all things possible has created, to my own small mind, the impossible. And mine is a life so impossible I do not want to know what I know. Not anymore I don’t.

I can’t
even explain
what happened.

And while I always can find someone to listen, I know of no one who can understand, who has been where I am. Difficult to do, actually, since I do not even know where I am.

It’s a place
beyond broken, where
you drift in glorious defeat.

And it is a place where all arguments are absurd, every insult stems from the sin of pride, opinions are the nemesis of truth, and knowledge is completely meaningless.

And people who
do not understand
think you do not care.

And yet, you want so much to find some way to tell them that you do care, but the only words you can find to explain your defeat are that you don’t. That you don’t care.

Listen.
I do care.
All I do is care.

Ideals are the dreams of blind men. And I am just not a man consumed by the issues of the day. Nor am I the one to take up the cause of the moment. And I’ll tell you why.

Because
I am tired.
I’m so tired I’m just tired.

And I still can’t sleep through the storms. Instead, I am the man of the sea terrified by what I see. And I just want to wake Him up, to calm the storm so I can rest.

Yes, Lord,
I am terrified.
Please, let me rest.

 

 

 

It’s Personal

“Indeed, every good and perfect thing that has ever come into our lives has come as a gift to us from God Himself. It did not bubble up like crude oil from this earth. It flowed down like rain from the riverbanks of Heaven. It was intentional. It was personal. Yet we see ourselves at the mercy of random events, abilities, and coincidences.”-Beth Moore

It is way too easy to lose focus.  Wars around the world, the news with so many things to tear your security away from you. Health issues.  Yet, we have this…

Our Almighty God, King of kings, Supreme and Sovereign yet Loving and Compassionate. Creator of the universe, including us. Every thing strategically placed in His plan, blessings and cursings. He doesn’t need us, He wants us.  He sings over us and keeps watch while we sleep, everything to bring us closer to Him. His glory will shine, with or without us, but what an honor to shine His glory.  He has done everything to give us a way to be with Him.

The last six months have been difficult with my health.  Changing medicine, trying to understand what is going on with my body, trying not to be angry and bitter.  This week, while surrending to “this must be what you have for me”, He showed me something miraculous!  My doctors did not share with me the danger of being removed from one medication to another.  My Pharmacist put something in my bag, that was just the dangers of leaving that medication, honestly I felt most of those side effects that should have been treated. In my ignorance of all of this, I just rode it out. Some nights I just prayed to sustain me.  I am past the six months of danger, still weak, still having issues with the heat and humidity. This will take a year, but I have not used anything other than my allergy-asthma medication.

I felt the hug from Him, the reassurance that He has been giving me everything I need to live, the love of a Father (who truly can fix anything).

This is personal, He can do anything, He acts on our behalf without asking for the things we need, He already knows and is already doing it.

He is still in control, nothing that is going on in the world or our communities is shocking Him. Focus on Him, and the greatest gift of all, His never ending love. Loving us so much as to make that bridge (Jesus) so we would not be apart from Him.  Beautiful.

Priorities, Changes, Oh My!

No walls this time, but definitely a fork in the road.  One is a little rocky, and not too pleasant to the eye, but the other is closed.  So I am taking the only road I can.  Maybe its just the “unknown” factor that makes this new road less appealing….

I have allergies.  They cripple my lifestyle to an extent.  I have to be careful how much time I spend outside, My AC runs constantly  to filter the allergens in my home. There is no medication that brings me 100% relief.  The medication I do take is the same as a car payment every month.  

God has blessed me with a job that works with all this. No weekends, and no summers, unless I feel up to a day here or there.

Why am I sharing this? I really don’t want to.  I keep it to myself and try to be as healthy as I can.  My allergies are getting worse.  They cause me to have sinus migranes, and literally make me sick. My symptoms are heart pounding, shortness of breath, head pounding, and stomach turning.  I have no warning when that will happen, and whatever plans I may have made come to an immediate halt.  Overall, when telling someone that I can not participate in an activity, I get the “look”.  I have become a person that many can not count on.  Its heart breaking, and disappointing to say the least. Tiring in trying to explain.

After struggling with all this means to my life, and having lots of conversations with God on this matter, I am believing that He wants something else from me. Outreach can come to my door, and He has shown me that.  I don’t know where all this is going…don’t know if I am supposed to return to writing.  But I do know that my family is a gift from God.  I want to use my energies in being a good wife, and a good mom, and the best Mimi I can be. 

I do love my church, and I get there as often as I can.  Opening a new chapter to my life….

Priorities, Changes, Oh my!   So glad God knows what He is doing, I am just going to rest in HIM.