Wearing His Ring

Struggling for a year. Struggling with what it means – “God is husband to the widow”. I am fully aware that He does not interpret things as I do, and His ways are higher than mine, and so on. I know the theology.  But what does that mean to me; a girl, lost without her soulmate, a mother who desperately wants to continue to point her children to what is eternal and not temperal, working harder than ever?

One year ago, God spoke to me. “I will be your husband , I will take care of you, this is bigger than you know, believe me”.  He has taken care of me, life is hard but it continues to come together. Blessed in the midst of heart ache.

Pondering:

-Grieving does not require anyone to fix me, I am not that kind of broken.

-climbing up on His lap, and holding on, hiding in Him, is my comfort.

-He gives me what I need, a job with amazing people, a free place to take my children to get away. (that is the nicest place i have ever stayed.) Money to live and meet my responsibilities.

-He gives me what thrills my heart.  A spectacular sunset, a bird singing, sunshine, warm temperature in the middle of the frozen east coast.

How does all this tie together? He is the lover of my soul. His bride is in pain, her heart breaks over and over. He promises to dry every tear, but first there must be tears to dry. We are promised victory, but first there is a battle.

Today I found a ring, that fits like it was made for me, instant love for this ring. Decided I will wear it, and remember He is my husband, and we are not home yet. This is all part of Kingdom living…

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Journeying Home

Long week of sorrows.  I realize it will be like a rollercoaster. But the ride is tiring.

Disgruntled. This life is exhausting to only bring me barely breathing.

Remembering all that I have in Christ, and feeling small in all of it.

Wondering why I long to feel like I am home, belonging, beautiful, secure.

I was created for all of it, this is just not my home, I belong to Heaven.

Its ok to feel all this.

Wanting to be found in Him, and grateful for all the beauty around me and the people who care about me.

Journeying to the place I was created for, Heaven is my home…

Let go, its all good

Next Chapter…New job, new interests, new people…its not as scary as I thought. You know, Letting go and taking life as it comes? Sure I have to work at it, but overall its all good!

Accepting that everything is what it is.

This is not my home.

Don’t know where this life is going, just glad that its moving forward.

Believing that God is placing the ones in my life that are supposed to be in it.

Loving the laughter, conversations, and heart to heart authenticity.

Not sure what tomorrow brings, but today, my heart is happy.

NNN-walking in the light

Last weekend, a Benefit concert was held, to celebrate my late husbands life and to help us financially.  Bitter sweet is the best way to describe it. All the bands were amazing! People traveled from places like Florida and New York. Many friends I haven’t see for years. Lots of hugs.

The next day my children and I, along with some close friends, spread his ashes at a beautiful spot that he loved. Again bittersweet.

Our lives are not at all what they used to be. My heart is slowly healing, but its healing.

Closure has come to the Frantz family. we survived the last few months. Its time to move on, always keeping his memory in our hearts. But life can not remain as it is.  God has so much more for us to experience, and so much more of Him to know.

True Confession: fight feeling guilty for not feeling the way most think I should.  Living is not an option, we live, we love, we laugh, we dance. Not exactly how movies portray the widow and her family.

God does not leave his children in a dark place, He rescues them, He restores hope, love, faith.  He puts a song in our heart, and laughter on our lips. We are following Him thru this tragedy called life, walking into the light. This is not our home….until its our turn to be home. Don’t judge us, don’t hate what you don’t understand, and not for a second believe Scott is not loved and missed, we will see him again…Next New Normal…

Sleeping Through the Storms ~ by TheNorEaster

After several days of trying to pull my thoughts into words this gentleman has done it for me. With His permission I am reposting this. For more of his writing, you can find him here

 

“Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples woke him up, shouting, ‘Lord, save us! We are going to drown!’

“Jesus responded, ‘Why are you so afraid? You have so little faith!’ Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm.”

~Matthew 8:24-26 NLT

I get desperately exhausted every time I consider this passage. The miracle used to amaze me, but now something very different does: Jesus is sleeping.

Outside.

 

On a boat.
In the middle of a storm.

He has been serving God so diligently and so determinedly — and so passionately to the point of exhaustion — that the fierce winds and cold rains and frigid waves do not even phase Him as He sleeps.

He sleeps.
Finally, He sleeps.
At long last, He can get some rest.

I am amazed at the enormously immense burdens He must have carried that led Him to such a profound point of exhaustion. When I consider my own cross, it makes my head spin.

I’m tired.
All the time.
I’m so tired I’m just tired.

But, I can’t sleep through the storms. I see the winds and feel the rains. And my heart jumps every time the freezing waves wash over me. I can taste the salt in my sleep.

I sleep.
But, never rest.
My heart is just too heavy.

I know to be still and know. And I know to trust His sovereignty. That it will all work out in the grand scheme. And in the end. Greater good, and all that. All that.

But, the silence
of an impossible God
keeps up my heart restless.

The God who makes all things possible has created, to my own small mind, the impossible. And mine is a life so impossible I do not want to know what I know. Not anymore I don’t.

I can’t
even explain
what happened.

And while I always can find someone to listen, I know of no one who can understand, who has been where I am. Difficult to do, actually, since I do not even know where I am.

It’s a place
beyond broken, where
you drift in glorious defeat.

And it is a place where all arguments are absurd, every insult stems from the sin of pride, opinions are the nemesis of truth, and knowledge is completely meaningless.

And people who
do not understand
think you do not care.

And yet, you want so much to find some way to tell them that you do care, but the only words you can find to explain your defeat are that you don’t. That you don’t care.

Listen.
I do care.
All I do is care.

Ideals are the dreams of blind men. And I am just not a man consumed by the issues of the day. Nor am I the one to take up the cause of the moment. And I’ll tell you why.

Because
I am tired.
I’m so tired I’m just tired.

And I still can’t sleep through the storms. Instead, I am the man of the sea terrified by what I see. And I just want to wake Him up, to calm the storm so I can rest.

Yes, Lord,
I am terrified.
Please, let me rest.