Category Archives: loss

Wearing His Ring

Struggling for a year. Struggling with what it means – “God is husband to the widow”. I am fully aware that He does not interpret things as I do, and His ways are higher than mine, and so on. I know the theology.  But what does that mean to me; a girl, lost without her soulmate, a mother who desperately wants to continue to point her children to what is eternal and not temperal, working harder than ever?

One year ago, God spoke to me. “I will be your husband , I will take care of you, this is bigger than you know, believe me”.  He has taken care of me, life is hard but it continues to come together. Blessed in the midst of heart ache.

Pondering:

-Grieving does not require anyone to fix me, I am not that kind of broken.

-climbing up on His lap, and holding on, hiding in Him, is my comfort.

-He gives me what I need, a job with amazing people, a free place to take my children to get away. (that is the nicest place i have ever stayed.) Money to live and meet my responsibilities.

-He gives me what thrills my heart.  A spectacular sunset, a bird singing, sunshine, warm temperature in the middle of the frozen east coast.

How does all this tie together? He is the lover of my soul. His bride is in pain, her heart breaks over and over. He promises to dry every tear, but first there must be tears to dry. We are promised victory, but first there is a battle.

Today I found a ring, that fits like it was made for me, instant love for this ring. Decided I will wear it, and remember He is my husband, and we are not home yet. This is all part of Kingdom living…

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Filed under battles, believe, Blessed, God's plan, healing, hope, Kingdom living, life, loss, ponderisms, presence of God, princess entries, provision, relationship

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Filed under Acceptance, awareness, Change, family, healing, hope, journey, Kingdom living, life, loss, Love, Next New Normal, ponderisms

Protected: I was wrong

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Filed under Authenticity, battles, convictions, follow, forgive, Grace, heart condition, heavy heart, Jesus, journey, life, loss, mercy, princess entries

loss sucks…hope rocks!

One of the greatest male influences in my life has passed away. He suffered much in the last years with his health, but was a giant to me.  I know God placed him in my life at the time when i needed rescued from the world more than anything.  He and his wife taught me what a family looked like, how it was okay to screw up, as long i picked my self back up, to ask for help was not a sign of weakness.  Helped me through raising a baby on my own, and showed me what unconditional love was. I will never forget him, James Wickenheiser.  But I do look forward to the day that i get to see him again while i am face to face with Jesus.

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Filed under believe, family, God, hope, Jesus, Kingdom living, life, loss, princess entries

Safe? Safe Place?

Proverbs 18:10 The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.

One of my most favorite worship songs is Strong Tower-Kutless, often times visualizing God as the place of refuge when the world is overbearing. Remembering that Hebrews 11 tells us that faith credits us righteousness. But safe? We are safe in HIM, just not the usage of the word that we have grown accustomed to… People still die, and love HIM very much. We still encounter pain, both physically and emotionally. But we are still safe in HIM. How can I say that?

(you can read the rest over at Philter48, and leave comments there or here.  I would love to hear what you think as well that would make Philter 48 more user friendly for you.  peace and love)

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Filed under believe, Bible, encouragement, fortress, God, hope, life, loss, princess entries, righteous, safe place, strongtower

Down to the Bottom/Lifter of my head IV

(you can find the beginning of this story on the page listed the same as this title- thank you Ellen at Stormstories for your encouragement to day to tell this part.

Five years or so passed before I started to seriously date for relationship.  I just didn’t want a man around with all the drama that seemed to be part of that. My baby girl was my world.  I still partied but not extensively (so I felt that was acceptable), I did not party in front of my daughter, and men were not allowed to come to my home. That was our refuge from the world.

Eventually I gave in to a young man, a farmer(go head laugh, I know you want to). I was so desperate for something to be the way it should. (God was already working on my heart, I was tired of living under the curse)  Life seemed good for a while, and he had a son, so I took him in like my own.  Soon, he was drunk everyday, and missing work. It was nothing to come home and find the electric turned off, or all my food eaten by his drunken buddies who were now sleeping on my floor, at 4 in the afternoon.  He started to beat me when I was sleeping, (with good reason, I tore him up awake)for things that I later found out he was doing.  Long story short..I caught him with my best friend, so I lost them both the same day. I never felt pain like that of betrayal. And it felt like my heart had been cut out and left laying for me to look at.  By this time I have two girls and a son that is not mine.  I tried to work through it with him, and no friend…but it increasing got worse. My pain and his actions. He soon had several girlfriends, and told my girls to call me names. He did this in front of me, and it broke my heart even more to hear them call me names out of those precious little mouths.  This time my girls(71/2, 1) and his son(6) watched me push him through a door, and beat him til the police arrived. All charges were dropped. (Thank you Jesus)

My only friend left in the world worked with me, and saw me go through all this, broken ribs, tears that seemed they would not end.  This friend helped me move out while he was at work (another thank you Jesus for him going to work), and helped me set up a new place to live.  This friend was there for me, and seemed to have no motives other than he liked me, just like I was.  I had no idea that he would become the wonderful husband that I have today! (Again thank you Jesus)

I could not write this part of my story for a long time. I could not articulate exactly why. I had forgiven him, and I had moved on with Jesus Christ, I just couldn’t tell this part.  Recently, I was pulled into court to see him face to face over a support order that is now 14 years old. I never took full support, and only asked for 325 a month to cover the sitter expenses, no medical support, nothing else. It was raised to 425 a month 6 years ago by the state.  I totally fell apart knowing that I had to see him again. The rejection, and betrayal seemed to surface, and I needed Jesus to go with me.  Turned out he needed a favor, and for me to lower the support to keep him out of jail.  I asked him to sign her over to us and I would drop the support all together. Forgiving the debt and the one that was past due.  He agreed. 

I looked at this man, and knew that GOD had made such a change in my heart. I no longer looked at him with contempt, I looked at a broken man who needed Jesus. I told him that.  “Jesus is the only one who can fix your problems, and you should really take some time and talk to HIM, it’s working for me..” He shook his head thanked me, and said “who would’ve thunk”. 

God heals the hurts, HE binds up the wounds, and when it is most uncomfortable for me, HE has a plan that is worth following HIM into.  (My next entry to this will be my story of when I came to Christ and made a commitment, and How that changed everything,..truly lifting my head)

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Filed under bitterness, blessings, deception, deliverance, family, forgiveness, freedom, God, Grace, healing, heart, Humility, Jesus, life, loss, Only One God, princess entries, restoration, storms, suffering, testimony, unfaithful, unforgiveness

Out of the Shadows (written by TheNorEaster)

I asked NorEaster if he would be a guest writer for me over the holidays, and he was very happy to help me out.  I was not near ready for what he wrote.  In the way that only he could write, I know that God reached through him to heal a piece of my heart, and encourage me to keep pressing on..Thank you NorEaster, love you brother!

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So where does an idea come from? Many places. But since today I am a guest writer on Darla’s blog, I thought I might talk about the origin of just one idea that I had. This idea eventually became an Essay entitled The Lord of The Harvest.

 You see, a while ago, someone–nevermind who–published a certain post. Shortly afterwards, a few people–nevermind who–said a few things in the comments of that same post which had offended Darla, and that very quickly became obvious to me. Of course, her husband was probably pretty upset about the whole thing as well; I know I certainly would have been if such things were said to my wife (if I had a wife, that is).

 But what was said–or who said what–is of little significance for several reasons. First and foremost, love keeps no record of wrongs. Second, the matter has long since been resolved; I know this because I do a lot of lurking. And finally, I have no wish to re-open old wounds. So I’ll let the matter rest. And for those of you wondering, not even Darla knows what I’m talking about; she only found out about the origin of this idea when she received this Essay in an e-mail.

 So don’t ask. Because I’m not telling.

 But when I saw what had happened, that my beloved sister in Christ had been offended by her own spiritual siblings, I quite naturally got upset. And all of this happened on a blog that anyone could view at any time. After a while, I realized that there was more at stake than just Darla’s honor. As Keith Green has said:

 “This generation of believers…that you and me are a part of…we’re responsible for this generation of souls. All over the world. We’re responsible for ’em!”

 That’s a pretty big responsibility. One not to be taken lightly. So to address the grand scope of the matter–which, as Annie has so eloquently said, “Human souls lie on the other side of our bickering”–I went back to my Bible and read, intensely, the parables of The Four Soils and The Sheep & The Goats (Matthew 13:3-9 and Matthew 25:31-46). But then, Matthew 13:12 suddenly jumped out at me: “To those who listen to my teaching, more understanding will be given. But for those who are not listening, even what little understand they have will be taken away from them” (New Living Translation).

 Suffice it to say, I wanted to listen. I wanted the seed planted in my soul so long ago–now quite possibly a plant–to be rooted in fertile soil. And I wanted others to see the importance of such nourishment as well. Bickering among The Body is a cancer that destroys the significance of The Gospel. Like a precious, life-giving seed scattered carelessly along a footpath, in shallow soil with underlying rock, or among thorns, The Good News can easily get lost in this fallen world. And Jesus has made quite clear the consequences of spiritual complacency–and Paul himself addressed bickering among the parts of The Body.

 So what started as a quest for me to defend Darla’s honor became a calling for me to remind my spiritual brothers and sisters that God is watching every word we write, and we will answer for every careless act of speech. And if just we see one beautiful human being–created in The Image of God–offended by something we write on a blog, think about what God sees.

 He sees the woman who still can’t sleep months after having an abortion, lurking in the shadows of our blogs, seeking the forgiveness of our loving God.

 He sees the man who still suffers from depression a year after his divorce, lurking in the shadows of our blogs, seeking the healing of our gracious God.

 He sees the teenage girl in high school struggling with suicidal thoughts, lurking in the shadows of our blogs, seeking the infinite love of our merciful God.

 He sees the little boy shuffled from foster home to foster home, lurking in the shadows of our blogs, seeking a Father who will never leave him nor forsake him.

 And what do such lost souls see when they come across our blogs? Forgiveness? Compassion? Mercy? Grace? Love? Or just a bitter battle over who is right about certain Scripture passage? Maybe a cruel joke? Or do they see your malicious intolerance of the very sins for which they seek God’s forgiveness?

 Whatever it is, we will know soon enough. Because each of us must answer for what we have done, what we have said. We can be The Sheep on His right or we will be The Goats on His left.

 I’m hoping to be a Sheep myself. And I’m pretty sure Darla already is.

 I have to admit, when Darla commented on The Lord of The Harvest, I did have a certain satisfaction simply because I knew that the whole idea had started as an attempt to defend her dignity. Fortunately, as I have said, that matter has since been resolved. And the idea evolved into something more–that we must always be mindful of our words, our deeds, and our blogs. It might sound like a pretty big burden, but, really, it isn’t if we simply choose our words carefully.

 As I write this now, I realize that even though Darla did not know where the idea came from, it seems God has graciously returned the favor. You see, she’s a pretty stubborn woman. When I wanted to be left alone, she wouldn’t have it. She reached out. And she kept reaching. She also shared her own testimony. From that, I have remembered that all things really are possible with God. You see, like Darla, I have had many losses in this crazy life. She has been where I am. And she is where I want to be. Several times, I have told God, “I don’t know what to do! I want to move forward, but I don’t know how! HELP!”

 The answer was right in front of me.

 In The Overcomer.

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