Struggling for a year. Struggling with what it means – “God is husband to the widow”. I am fully aware that He does not interpret things as I do, and His ways are higher than mine, and so on. I know the theology. But what does that mean to me; a girl, lost without her soulmate, a mother who desperately wants to continue to point her children to what is eternal and not temperal, working harder than ever?
One year ago, God spoke to me. “I will be your husband , I will take care of you, this is bigger than you know, believe me”. He has taken care of me, life is hard but it continues to come together. Blessed in the midst of heart ache.
-Grieving does not require anyone to fix me, I am not that kind of broken.
-climbing up on His lap, and holding on, hiding in Him, is my comfort.
-He gives me what I need, a job with amazing people, a free place to take my children to get away. (that is the nicest place i have ever stayed.) Money to live and meet my responsibilities.
-He gives me what thrills my heart. A spectacular sunset, a bird singing, sunshine, warm temperature in the middle of the frozen east coast.
How does all this tie together? He is the lover of my soul. His bride is in pain, her heart breaks over and over. He promises to dry every tear, but first there must be tears to dry. We are promised victory, but first there is a battle.
Today I found a ring, that fits like it was made for me, instant love for this ring. Decided I will wear it, and remember He is my husband, and we are not home yet. This is all part of Kingdom living…
Filed under battles, believe, Blessed, God's plan, healing, hope, Kingdom living, life, loss, ponderisms, presence of God, princess entries, provision, relationship
Filed under Acceptance, awareness, Change, family, healing, hope, journey, Kingdom living, life, loss, Love, Next New Normal, ponderisms
No walls this time, but definitely a fork in the road. One is a little rocky, and not too pleasant to the eye, but the other is closed. So I am taking the only road I can. Maybe its just the “unknown” factor that makes this new road less appealing….
I have allergies. They cripple my lifestyle to an extent. I have to be careful how much time I spend outside, My AC runs constantly to filter the allergens in my home. There is no medication that brings me 100% relief. The medication I do take is the same as a car payment every month.
God has blessed me with a job that works with all this. No weekends, and no summers, unless I feel up to a day here or there.
Why am I sharing this? I really don’t want to. I keep it to myself and try to be as healthy as I can. My allergies are getting worse. They cause me to have sinus migranes, and literally make me sick. My symptoms are heart pounding, shortness of breath, head pounding, and stomach turning. I have no warning when that will happen, and whatever plans I may have made come to an immediate halt. Overall, when telling someone that I can not participate in an activity, I get the “look”. I have become a person that many can not count on. Its heart breaking, and disappointing to say the least. Tiring in trying to explain.
After struggling with all this means to my life, and having lots of conversations with God on this matter, I am believing that He wants something else from me. Outreach can come to my door, and He has shown me that. I don’t know where all this is going…don’t know if I am supposed to return to writing. But I do know that my family is a gift from God. I want to use my energies in being a good wife, and a good mom, and the best Mimi I can be.
I do love my church, and I get there as often as I can. Opening a new chapter to my life….
Priorities, Changes, Oh my! So glad God knows what He is doing, I am just going to rest in HIM.
Filed under Allergies, family, God's plan, hope, journey, Kingdom living, life, Medicinal, outreach, Peace, ponderisms, princess entries
Do you know this verse? “For by Grace, we are saved through faith, not of ourselves, it is the gift of God” -definition of Grace…it’s a gift, we could never pay it, ever! what a wonderful gift!
A few weeks ago, the temps went to 70 degrees, and it was awesome after a very cold winter. My friend had a tradgey in her family, so my plans were canceled. Deciding quickly to get out in this gorgeous day! Took my son with me (after bribing him with a Slushie). We headed to the river for a quiet and relaxing afternoon. The weather turned very windy, so we decided to go to a location we never go to along the river, that would be out of the wind.
We had the whole place to ourself! Sunshine! Melted river! What a blessing! Soon after we arrived, an old man riding a bike equally as old, came through…and decided to sit right next to us. Finding this rather odd…I paid attention.
He started to witness to me. And we talked some deep things that I studied a few years ago, and I was surprised it was still in the memory bank. Then we got to the Grace factor. Ahhhh, this gentleman was Jehovah witness. My grandpa was also a Jehovah witness, so I am familiar. Our talk changed…He tried very hard to convince me that works are how we get to heaven, and nothing special about it, we will just be glad we made it. (insert huge eyes here )
No doubt, God orchestrated that afternoon. We had a divine appointment. The gentleman left and very sweetly thanked me for the conversation, asked if I would visit his church sometime. I told him no, I love the church I am at, and maybe he should visit me. He spent his whole life seeking for truth. And I prayed as he left…”please let him find the Truth”. Grace, a foreign word to a man who knew his scriptures so well, some what out of context, but knew scripture none the less. He could not fathom, Grace.
Romans 4:4-8 (NLT)
When people work, their wages are not a gift, but something they have earned. But people are counted as righteous, not because of their work, but because of their faith in God who forgives sinners. David also spoke when he described the happiness of those who are declared righteous without working for it:
“oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sins are put out of sight. Yes, what joy for those whose record the LORD has cleared of sin.”
All of this, and I was still standing at my wall, and this was the beginning of breakthrough, I realized, I do believe, and I still care about a world that is misled. This appointment was not only for him, it was also for me.
Filed under Acceptance, believe, finger of God, God, God's plan, Grace, hope, Kingdom living, life, ponderisms, princess entries, scripture, Truth
This is my wall, I’ve been looking at it for so long that I don’t remember when I first got here. So many struggles and so many mixed emotions. All the while believing…believing God is in control, and hoping for the day I will be able to pass from it. Too high to get over it, too wide to get around it, so in my face that it can’t be ignored.
This is what it looks like today. I can now get passed it. The terrain is still a little rough, but the hope of what is on the other side, is anticipated!
Oh sure, I know there will be more walls, and more struggles, and lots to learn. But progressing is the only option. How can one be satisfied to stand or sit at the wall, or even believe that is all that God has for them in this life?
God is always good. God never lies, or deceives in any form. God does not change. God knows all that I have done, and has removed it as far as the east is from the west. God is still changing me into the creation that HE sees me as…God sees the finished product.
Still a little cautious (of this new path on the other side of the wall), Still believing God is trustworthy. God has made many changes in me and in the life that I have. We are now part of a wonderful fellowship of Christians, and no doubt a gift from God. It’s looking more each day that God is opening a door for me to do the type of work I love, and still grow in my faith(without it being challenged constantly). I don’t know the plans HE has for me, but I know that HE has plans.
Key to being at the wall…don’t fight it, stop exhausting yourself trying to bust through it, stop asking to be delivered from it, Ask to learn all that you need to learn so that the wall will fall down, just like the walls of Jericho.
Lessons at the wall, not completed, but stirring a piece of my heart that needed stirred.
Filed under believe, Change, encouragement, God, God's plan, hope, journey, Kingdom living, life, ponderisms, princess entries
Ever find yourself still, staring at a wall? Can’t get over it? Can’t get around it? not sure how you even ended up here?
Been looking and struggling with this wall for quite some time..days have turned to months, months are quickly turning to years…
The need to evaluate, and re-evaluate is imperative. The questions that come to mind are scary, and very transparent of the heart. I’ve been shamed for being at this wall, accused of some horrific sin, dismissed as a backslider…..yet I am exactly where God wants me to be. HE is shredding my legalistic views, HE is stirring my bitterness to eliminate it, HE is still in control…even here. Only when HE has finished with the extremely painful heart surgery, will HE see me to the other side.
Funny, how we are so quick to judge another at the wall. How quickly we dismiss what we don’t understand. So often we claim to know what God is doing in another. We even claim to know and understand God. *sigh*
God is not created in man’s image, we don’t even have a conclusive definition of “Holy”, yet we claim it. I absolutely hate looking at this wall…and at the same time…I believe HE has a plan that is more awesome than anything I could dream up.
HE promised to never leave me…
HE promised to finish the work HE started in me…
HE promised to never let go…
Simple promises. Holding on to them with all I got. Hoping that when I get to the otherside of this wall, that my concept of HIM will have grown in huge proportions. “I will wait patiently on the LORD”…HE is faithful, even when I am not.
Ever been here? what did you learn if you have been? Maybe you are there now. If so, how do you keep looking up?
“Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ”
Filed under battles, bitterness, finger of God, God, God's plan, heart, heart condition, hope, image of God, journey, judging, Kingdom living, Legalism, life, ponderisms, princess entries, suffering
Do you know what relationship really is? and do you have any? Unfortunately, not too many really do, and the next generation even less, and the teens today are lacking it, and their behavior is showing it.
GOD wired us for relationship….
HE wired us to feel physical touch,
HE wired us to feel loved,
HE wired us to hear kind words, soft voices, friendly eyes looking back at us.
I love modern technology! Can’t wait to see what comes out next! But our culture today is very deceptive in the way it tears the relationship away. NOT saying that good things are not happening as well. But how about the people physically close to us?
Teen on my bus…”my mom texts me too much, and i follow her on twitter, i run out of things to talk to her about”. Me: ” so what do you do when you get home?” teen: stay mostly in my room, homework, facebook, twitter…mostly bored”. we have become a culture more and more of short messages, we don’t even spell correctly anymore, and we forget to touch, to laugh, to slow down, have conversation that does not include technology. Scary…the enemy will take something that is good and use it against us if we are not careful.
Relationships take time, the need to experience each other is necessary. Time spent together is necessary. I know..We have it undercontrol. or do we? What are a children learning from us as we move through this technology era..how are they applying what they see?
I am no longer surprised that believers in Jesus Christ, do not believe in a personal relationship with HIM, we live in an age where relationship is disposable, and as easy as click to rid a person from your following. I guess the enemy has done his homework, and praying that the body of Christ will do theirs..literally.
AGAIN..i am not knocking twitter, facebook, or any other technology…please don’t allow those things to be your only relationships, and God the Father, Son, Holy Spirit are not on these things..they are sitting beside you..waiting for relationship.
What in your own definition is relationship? How does one come into a deeper relationship with anyone?
Filed under distraction, Facebook, God, Holy Spirit, Jesus, Kingdom living, life, open conversation, ponderisms, princess entries, relationship, twitter