When I lost my husband, God was very clear to me that He would now be my husband. Didn’t understand all that meant then, still don’t.
I received a package of gifts before Christmas along with an envelope with $500.00 dollars, the exact amount I was short to finish this month. Then I decided that I would use some of it to give to my children for Christmas. We had planned to not have Christmas. They deserved Christmas, they are awesome, and its been a hard year for them as well. No one knew I was short in my bills, no one knew my plan for my kids. Another envelope comes, the exact amount of money I just put in cards for my kids. Just a note…from Jesus.
Recently, battling depression, working long hours, and holding my kids close to get them thru this, Crying every time I am alone to God. Wondering what is this life for, what does it mean that you are my husband. Missing someone who has rejected me with out reason, Missing the life I once had, Then God provides financially. I am grateful. Also feeling guilty for my own selfish needs. I wonder if God comes down and holds one, gives that physical touch, or a smile of approval. I miss the human things, Wonder if this is what it means to be his wife, why am I not more grateful to have the greatest one of all be my husband. Still wondering what does that mean. Will He still protect me from all the elements that seem to be against me. Grateful that He understands this post, and knows my heart.
ponderings of a princess... 
You are brave. When I have these thoughts, and they come often, I don’t do so well sharing them. It’s helpful to know others have the same questions.
I hope it’s helpful to know that He does hold us and He smiles upon us. Even when we wonder what it’s all about, He knows. He might not be saying much, but as a child of God, whatever you are going through has been orchestrated. I love that word: orchestrated. Think about the nuances…when listening to an orchestra. All the crescendos and decrescendos…the changes in tone from scary to uplifting…the silences and then the booming thunder…the timpanis. A great symphony has all the elements of music working together to create a masterpiece. Our lives have been orchestrated by the God of the Universe. He might be conducting the scary moments…for a time…but we can know, because He is a God who keeps His promises:
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. (1Peter5:10)
Loving you this day!
Darla, you are blessed. You may see that more clearly down your journey, rather than right now. Allow yourself the time to heal. Our wounds will reopen if we move too fast. Then we go through all the pain again. Rest in Him, when the sleep leaves, open the word of God and read His words to you. When the restlessness comes or the ache in your soul seems to overwhelm, go to His Word again. There is solace and comfort there that surpasses the physical. When you need physical touch, lean upon your children. He will send physical comfort, possibly a new love at the right time. Wait on Him. I speak only from experience, through love, and prayer and by scripture. Love you girl. You are doing the right things and the Psalms remind us not to fear, He is there.
Thank you both for your encouraging words. Happy New Year