Tag Archives: Lifter of my Head

DTTB/Lifter of my Head I

All my life I believed that there was a GOD, I just didn’t believe HE was very interested in me. Actually I believed HE hated me.  I set out to be a better person and to raise my children with a knowledge of HIM, and a hope that HE would be interested in them.  My heart was striving to be a good wife, as I knew little about that, and had married the man who seemed to always be there and genuinely liked me. Love, yes we loved, or what we knew of love at that time. 

After returning to a church after 20 years of ignoring it, still attending hoping HE would look down and have mercy on my children, and give them some kind of blessing.  Although I had been educated in the Bible, there was no connection to my heart. Often I asked questions like, “What is Grace?”, “What is unforgivable?” “Why do we say Hope, and think of a positive?”  I rarely got an answer that made any sense to me.  So I knew of HIM, but had yet to experience HIM.

Our marriage was falling apart, drugs and alcohol numbed the pain, while still being functional, and wearing a mask.  The LORD pulled me closer, and I cried out to HIM, kneeling (had not done that since I was a little girl), and begging.  “Please, don’t let all this fall down, don’t take him from me, even if you hate me, surely you love my children, I will do anything..Please”.  That was the moment I experienced HIM for the first time, undeniably!  HE wrapped me up in HIM, the warmth and the love that enveloped me was incredible and the first time that I had ever felt anything like it.  Joy filled my heart, HE loved me, HE really loved me…

The next day, sitting in my room, not wanting to leave whatever just happened, HE spoke to my heart, that I needed to read the Bible. The only Bible I had was a Dollar Store $5 KJV Bible (I carried to church to look appropriate). My response was “okay, but I really don’t understand any of it, I need you to help me understand, I don’t even know where to start..” Somehow, I bumped the Bible and it fell to the floor, and laid open, and this is what caught my eye and my attention.

Proverbs 9:10 “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; the knowledge of the holy is understanding.”

This is the beginning of our Awesome God being the Lifter of my Head.

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The Biggest Lie

While attempting to work on “Lifter of my Head” , God stirred my heart to this question -What was the biggest lie, the one the enemy built off to make his other lies work?  I stand amazed!

The biggest lie goes all the way back my early teens.  You are not chosen of God. HE doesn’t love you, and you are destined to be abused, ignored, and tormented. Do what ever you want, you are allowed, follow me, I am also not chosen.  I remember hearing that in my heart of hearts, I remember looking at my life and seeing the turmoil and chaos of my family.  I think my addictions started then.  I had no hope, that my life would ever be better than it was, the purpose of living seemed to be for the moment.  My addictions started with smoking, and then marijuana, then cocaine, prescription diet pills, valium, librium, zanax, muscle relaxers, alcohol.  I did not have a preference and sometimes took them all at once.  I could tell you of endless times I thought this is my last day, and I won’t wake up again tomorrow…hell could not be any worse than life, and if it is, I still be away from here.  Remembering the devastation of waking up, and honestly being disappointed that in my failure of a life, I couldn’t even kill myself correctly.

I talked to God throughout the years from 13-35 but mostly screaming at HIM, and questioning… “Why did you not pick me?, at least tell me that! why do you bring people into the world just to torment them? What kind of God are you? You are probably not even there.”   But through my walking through the past with the Lord, HE showed me every where HE was with me, even while I was screaming and blaming HIM, for my life being so empty.   I know that HE saved my life every time I tried to take it.  I know that my first born was HIS saving me again. ( I was not to be able to have children, and her father killed himself, I would have followed, but I was six months pregnant, and although I would hurt me, I would not hurt her.)

In my ignorance of my Mighty KING, and the ignorance of the Bible/Truth, I bought the lie…and everything that was evil in my life confirmed the lie…many years of destruction, the despair that doesn’t write out with justice, and the tears that flow every time I remember that I am where I am today, because HE lifted me out, and wrapped HIS arms around me, and spoke truth to my heart.  HE has a plan for all of us, before we were born. The ugliness we see in the world and all around us at times, is part of the curse that sin brought to the world.  This place isn’t our home. Where we are traveling to is perfect. We are not home yet.

What lie has the enemy told you? If it is negative of God, you are living in the lie.  Give the enemy no glory, ask the King, and HE is always faithful to tell you truth.  

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