Journeying Home

Long week of sorrows.  I realize it will be like a rollercoaster. But the ride is tiring.

Disgruntled. This life is exhausting to only bring me barely breathing.

Remembering all that I have in Christ, and feeling small in all of it.

Wondering why I long to feel like I am home, belonging, beautiful, secure.

I was created for all of it, this is just not my home, I belong to Heaven.

Its ok to feel all this.

Wanting to be found in Him, and grateful for all the beauty around me and the people who care about me.

Journeying to the place I was created for, Heaven is my home…

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Sometimes we all just need home…

Most of my life  houses didn’t feel like home.  What is home anyway? A place where you eat, sleep and do life. But more than that it is a safe place.  For the last 13 years this was a safe place. The only place that felt like home.  I am still here, but it doesn’t feel like home any more.  Maybe because it doesn’t feel safe anymore.  Its full of uncertainty, change, and fear. Not allowing it to swallow me up,  This is life. To sit down and be eaten alive by all the newness would be no life at all. I am alive,  Moving forward is the only option.

So enter the new normal.

God orchestrates my healing in his time, and it seems to be moving faster than anticipated. Knowing that is truth.

God has also brought someone into my life, who unknowingly has been God’s hands in helping me heal.  I realized this today.  This person feels like home to me.  A safe place to land, an open ear to listen, and makes me laugh instead of cry.  This person encourages me to take the next step in living. This person needs healing too, so unselfish. Its all too good to not be a gift from God. So, I thank Him.

Home is some place or someone who makes your heart dance, your eyes smile, and breathing is easy.  

Welcome new normal, I don’t know what is around the corner, but I believe it will be home.  

Thank you Lord, for holding me up when I could barely stand, for sending someone to encourage me, and making this person capable to touch my heart. I pray that I will also be able to help in the healing process for him.  Thank you for being for me and not against me. Thank you for this friend, who is authentic, and daily offers me a safe place to land. 

Don’t know when I will feel home again, but I long for it.  Another day and another step closer.  A safe place to land…doesn’t that sound good to everyone?

(Thank you friend for allowing me to feel safe, unjudged, and not condemned. Thank you for the healing touches in a smile, a laugh, a kind word, your own authenticity while enduring your pain. You are beautiful to me,)

 

Backed in a Corner-Jump

Whenever a commitment is taken, in order to come closer or to follow God, HE immediately starts saying “Jump”! Terrified is an understatement! Life changes rapidly, and my skin doesn’t even feel comfortable.  The heat is turned up!  Pressure from every side. No other possible move in this. Jumping is the only option.  

So tomorrow I take a huge jump.  I do know HE will catch me, I do know HE has a plan, and I do know that HE loves me.  Looking for a new job, interviewing, money is a huge reason. But more reasons have surfaced that are more than just a little disturbing.

I have become vulnerable. I hate it.  Vulnerable has not been in my vocabulary.  Some have found ways to back me in a corner, and demand that I do things that are against everything I am…to keep my income. All while knowing they are taking advantage of a very bad situation. HE reminds me that vengeance is his, altho I really want a piece of it.

Some other things are pressing. All have become almost intolerable, since the comittment.

I take committments seriously, never take them lightly.

So I jump into the unknown, believing that no matter what there is an abundant life with my name on it. And I am going to claim it.

This is not my home, I belong to heaven.  Leaning like crazy and holding on with two hands.