So many things one must experience in the grief process. None are easy. Constantly missing and wanting someone who will never walk thru the door again. If that is not enough to cause stress, suddenly you take his place in parenting, providing, and comforting others. After 50 days of working like crazy to pull things together, talking to people to receive help, many who treat you as if you are scamming them, things slow down to the beginning of a new normal. Without a doubt, God has brought us through all of it. Many people helped us financially without any gain for them self.
As things get quiet…realizing all your dreams have disappeared with your loss. New dreams seem almost impossible. A huge void opens. Clinging to the only One who can help and who understands fully. Moments of peace.
Sleep is what I need, instead, I wake up in the middle of an anxiety attack which is foreign to me. Crying , shaking, finding it difficult to breathe.
I truly do not understand this part. It may be normal, I may have to go thru this. It just seems like another pill for me, and I am looking forward to restoration. I still believe, He is going to rescue me.
(for whatever reason, this video will not post, but the link will take you to it, its only about 3 minutes long, you won’t regret losing those three minutes.)
After watching this short video, tears flowed…I did not lose my way, I was not being removed. God knows the plans HE has for me, and He can and will use me. God is faithful, and He is God, what we know is so little in comparison to what He will reveal.
The place I thought God was taking me is not the place I am in. That tends to be a place of confusion for me. Working through some health issues, or resting in them would be a better description, this video came in my email. Spoken thru the one who mentored me through videos and studies. I am exactly where He planned for me to be. God does not make mistakes.
For many years, God whispered to me “Believe me”, “my ways are not your ways”. Now I have a new minds picture of what today looks like. Again, I wait on Him. Asking, “what can I do for you in this place”?
The Word God has given me today…
“Stay close, breathe me in, be ready with the gospel, and rest in me. I alone sustain you.”
(my One word is Surrender this year, now I get it…)
It seems that we (and I include myself) forget that our God is righteous, Holy, pure, and loving. Dressed in Majesty, ruling not only the earth but the Heavens as well. We definitely have down the power that HE has, but seem to see HIM as a genie. How HIS heart must break when HE sees us totally blowing HIM off, and then asking HIM for miracles. As I pray to see things through HIS eyes, I am forced to look at my life first.
How would we respond to someone who only ever shows up to ask for money, or for us to help them out of rough spots? Knowing that the person will not even as much as talk to us otherwise? We would not respond well, we might even disregard that person. God doesn’t do that, HE continues to sit beside us and wait for us to acknowledge HIM. I believe that HIS heart breaks that we forget HIM so quickly in our lives, and that we compromise our relationship with HIM for momentary pleasures of this world. As my reading is in Isaiah this week, the picture of my culture is on the pages…this is not ancient history, we are repeating it. If we were exiles like Daniel, or the others, which kind would we be. Would we be angry with the Lord for not sparing us when we thought we were believing, and deserving of life without suffering, or would we be more like Daniel and believe that we must continue to walk in HIS light, and bow hearts and bodies to our KING, believing we are exactly where HE wants us to be for HIS glory? I am praying that I would be more like Daniel…remembering that if God allows pain and suffering to come to me, HE will be glorified in it, and therefore I am blessed!
While looking over my past recently, I am so very thrilled at the picture of Love that Jesus has shown me! Not only did HE love me through it all, HE takes the bad and makes it good! Amazing how HIS heart just doesn’t change. I saw a sign outside of a church recently that really spoke to me…”If you are feeling that God is far away, guess who moved?” God is good all the time, and HE never moves! Unshakeable!
So as we move into the weekend with all the pleasures this world offers, my goal is to just remember that HE is here, and not to be rude…talk to HIM, include HIM, and not entertain things that would cause HIM to sit outside to wait for me. HE is not a genie, HE is my KING, my best Friend, my Creator, and HE chooses to be with us.
Father forgive us for our ungrateful hearts, and change our hearts. Make us more like you, give us more of you and less of us. Help our unbelief, and remind us through the day of who we are in you, and who you are to us. Please don’t let this world desensitize us. Give us great hunger for your Word. How rude we have been when haven’t talk to you, and yet ask for so many things. We don’t deserve You, You freely give yourself. I am honored that you call me child, and have given me a new name…Please help us to be aware of the snares that are around us and to stay on the path that you have laid out for us…we want to stay in your shadow…the only shadow that provides Light! Love you love you love you, your princess