Category Archives: testimony

DTTB/Lifter of my Head I

All my life I believed that there was a GOD, I just didn’t believe HE was very interested in me. Actually I believed HE hated me.  I set out to be a better person and to raise my children with a knowledge of HIM, and a hope that HE would be interested in them.  My heart was striving to be a good wife, as I knew little about that, and had married the man who seemed to always be there and genuinely liked me. Love, yes we loved, or what we knew of love at that time. 

After returning to a church after 20 years of ignoring it, still attending hoping HE would look down and have mercy on my children, and give them some kind of blessing.  Although I had been educated in the Bible, there was no connection to my heart. Often I asked questions like, “What is Grace?”, “What is unforgivable?” “Why do we say Hope, and think of a positive?”  I rarely got an answer that made any sense to me.  So I knew of HIM, but had yet to experience HIM.

Our marriage was falling apart, drugs and alcohol numbed the pain, while still being functional, and wearing a mask.  The LORD pulled me closer, and I cried out to HIM, kneeling (had not done that since I was a little girl), and begging.  “Please, don’t let all this fall down, don’t take him from me, even if you hate me, surely you love my children, I will do anything..Please”.  That was the moment I experienced HIM for the first time, undeniably!  HE wrapped me up in HIM, the warmth and the love that enveloped me was incredible and the first time that I had ever felt anything like it.  Joy filled my heart, HE loved me, HE really loved me…

The next day, sitting in my room, not wanting to leave whatever just happened, HE spoke to my heart, that I needed to read the Bible. The only Bible I had was a Dollar Store $5 KJV Bible (I carried to church to look appropriate). My response was “okay, but I really don’t understand any of it, I need you to help me understand, I don’t even know where to start..” Somehow, I bumped the Bible and it fell to the floor, and laid open, and this is what caught my eye and my attention.

Proverbs 9:10 “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; the knowledge of the holy is understanding.”

This is the beginning of our Awesome God being the Lifter of my Head.

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Down to the Bottom/Lifter of my head IV

(you can find the beginning of this story on the page listed the same as this title- thank you Ellen at Stormstories for your encouragement to day to tell this part.

Five years or so passed before I started to seriously date for relationship.  I just didn’t want a man around with all the drama that seemed to be part of that. My baby girl was my world.  I still partied but not extensively (so I felt that was acceptable), I did not party in front of my daughter, and men were not allowed to come to my home. That was our refuge from the world.

Eventually I gave in to a young man, a farmer(go head laugh, I know you want to). I was so desperate for something to be the way it should. (God was already working on my heart, I was tired of living under the curse)  Life seemed good for a while, and he had a son, so I took him in like my own.  Soon, he was drunk everyday, and missing work. It was nothing to come home and find the electric turned off, or all my food eaten by his drunken buddies who were now sleeping on my floor, at 4 in the afternoon.  He started to beat me when I was sleeping, (with good reason, I tore him up awake)for things that I later found out he was doing.  Long story short..I caught him with my best friend, so I lost them both the same day. I never felt pain like that of betrayal. And it felt like my heart had been cut out and left laying for me to look at.  By this time I have two girls and a son that is not mine.  I tried to work through it with him, and no friend…but it increasing got worse. My pain and his actions. He soon had several girlfriends, and told my girls to call me names. He did this in front of me, and it broke my heart even more to hear them call me names out of those precious little mouths.  This time my girls(71/2, 1) and his son(6) watched me push him through a door, and beat him til the police arrived. All charges were dropped. (Thank you Jesus)

My only friend left in the world worked with me, and saw me go through all this, broken ribs, tears that seemed they would not end.  This friend helped me move out while he was at work (another thank you Jesus for him going to work), and helped me set up a new place to live.  This friend was there for me, and seemed to have no motives other than he liked me, just like I was.  I had no idea that he would become the wonderful husband that I have today! (Again thank you Jesus)

I could not write this part of my story for a long time. I could not articulate exactly why. I had forgiven him, and I had moved on with Jesus Christ, I just couldn’t tell this part.  Recently, I was pulled into court to see him face to face over a support order that is now 14 years old. I never took full support, and only asked for 325 a month to cover the sitter expenses, no medical support, nothing else. It was raised to 425 a month 6 years ago by the state.  I totally fell apart knowing that I had to see him again. The rejection, and betrayal seemed to surface, and I needed Jesus to go with me.  Turned out he needed a favor, and for me to lower the support to keep him out of jail.  I asked him to sign her over to us and I would drop the support all together. Forgiving the debt and the one that was past due.  He agreed. 

I looked at this man, and knew that GOD had made such a change in my heart. I no longer looked at him with contempt, I looked at a broken man who needed Jesus. I told him that.  “Jesus is the only one who can fix your problems, and you should really take some time and talk to HIM, it’s working for me..” He shook his head thanked me, and said “who would’ve thunk”. 

God heals the hurts, HE binds up the wounds, and when it is most uncomfortable for me, HE has a plan that is worth following HIM into.  (My next entry to this will be my story of when I came to Christ and made a commitment, and How that changed everything,..truly lifting my head)

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New Ministry Excitement!

I have been blessed to be part of a group of people who are looking to God (by being in the Word), and also gleening from each other.  Philter48 is much more than a forum, it is discussion, articles (blogs for men , women, teens-this one not quite ready), forum style Bible Study, and also other topics following after the Verse Philippians 4:8  Whatever is…  Registration is easy and painless, and you will not be given to spambots, or any solicitation.  Its just a safe place to think and build community with other believers.  Do you have to be a believer?  No, but those are the topics we are looking at..and I do think everyone can benefit from it.

I have been posting on the Womens Blog, and I am excited about what God is doing in me through this.  CPKroboth III has been blogging there on the Mens Blog, and I am sure there is a blessing there for you men. 

There is just so much there, TV/live chat…which can also be used as a chat area, a section in the forum to leave prayer requests (who does not need prayer? that is my question) God has been good in giving Carl and Brian this vision, and providing the support they need to get it going. 

Hoping to see you all there, and hope that you will be as blessed as I am in this.  Join us, we would love to hear your thoughts, encouragements, and your struggles.  Come, do life with me!

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End of 2008-pour out your heart

This post was in the middle of January ’08…my 100th post on WordPress.  Although I believed I needed to write it and be transparent, it caused me much grief over the next several months.  Not because of the family situation that stirred that post, but the religious people who believed I had stepped over my boundaries, and called me a false prophet, and demanded that I start to write something that would say”there is no personal relationship with a HOLY GOD, and you can not speak your heart to HIM like that, and HE already knows the wickedness in your heart.”  I thought that thier words had no real effect on me, but looking back on this year, I know that they did. 

Lately…I have been struggling in my walk, not that I don’t believe, but that I have slowed down my one on one time with HIM where I actually speak my heart, and thinking things like..”HE already knows”.  Without noticing that my walk slowed down to a crawl, and then to me just sitting down, and missing HIM.  I asked HIM recently how I got here, and how can I get back? Would HE really want me to walk with HIM like I thought, or had I just dreamed the whole thing up?..I am a dreamer.

HE nudged me back into my time with HIM, and this morning as I sat with HIM, HE brought me here-

Psalm 62:8 “Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour our your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.” (ESV)

Pour out your heart before HIM! its in there! It caused me to rejoice, and just sink into HIM.  HE brought me back, and still I will not tell you what the religious wanted me to say…Because HE wants us to pour out our hearts to HIM, HE wants us to be close to HIM and honest, and trusting, it takes nothing away from HIS HOLINESS! Nothing…That’s the kind of Father King we have.

Happy New Year!  I am loving my blog family, and loving sitting here at HIS feet…God is amazing! fall in love with HIM, incredible!!!

(new ESV Bible was a Christmas gift, and GOD knows I would not be able to stand to have it, and not start paging through it…I love how HE loves me!)

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Down to the bottom-Lifter of my Head III

Here is the link to part I and part II

There was a void in me that interrupted my sleep, it burned deep with in me, and caused pain for me and for those who loved me. At times I remember feeling the sorrow that I caused others who loved me. But the empty void was so incredibly painful, that I began drinking heavy, dabbled with weed, speeders, and downers…I did not move onto the harder stuff as a result of what I described in Part II.  I met a man at the bar I frequented, he always looked out of place.  Very well off and dressed better than the rest who were always there. He always seemed to come shortly after me. (Later I found out that the bar tender was calling him if I showed up) He also had an empty void that burned and seemed to take over his thoughts.  He was a vietnam veteran.  Our romance was short, and although I adored him, I kept him at arms length for sometime.  And so many women had thier sites on him. I really didn’t want the drama.  But he pursued me. He showed up everywhere, and treated me like royalty. I became pregnant(which I was told at 17 that due to the abuse I had endured, this was not going to happen).  But when I was ready to tell him, He told me that he needed some time away from me.  And the other women..still around…I didn’t want him to return to me for this reason of being pregnant, and I was pretty sure I was destined to struggle anyway.  I knew he was having nightmares and was very withdrawn, and somehow I had made him my god.  I always opened the door to him and I would have given him anything.  He committed suicide when I was 6 months pregnant, and I would have followed him there if not for the child I was carrying.  (She truly is a gift from God, and the way that God brought me closer to himself)  I spent endless days at my special secluded place, crying and yelling at God.  “I know why you don’t want me, but why would you punish a baby to take her daddy, and start her like this?” I recieved many phone calls through out the pregnancy of ways to abort this baby…but I could not entertain the thought, she was all I had left of my god.  Many others called and wanted me to give her up for adoption, but again she was all I had in the world, and I wanted to keep her.  And I did.  After she was born, looking just like her daddy, I was determined to give her the best life, and to protect her.  I started drinking again, and working long hours to provide for her, and the void continued to burn, and my head still looking down, although holding my head high…so no one would know the turmoil within…

I know today that God would not tolerate another god, and I know every single time I look into my daughters beautiful face, that God knew I would follow him to the grave, and this miracle baby gave me the reason I needed to press on.  So while I was so angry at God, HE was loving and patient with me. Did I walk in the blessing?  no.  Did I lift my eyes to HIM? no.  I didn’t think it was possible to look up, and certainly not at HIM.  I truly believed HE existed, I just truly believed that HE hated me.

God is Holy, and Pure, HE is not vindictive. There are repercussions to sin, and I have learned that through many times choosing the wrong things, and for not looking to HIM to be my everything.  HE alone can fill the void..it hurts don’t it?, its consuming, and the quiet will stir it til you find yourself against a wall, or in a heap on the floor.  HE is the only one and the only thing that fills a soul with peace and joy, and can make the void full.  Please know that you have not out sinned the grace of God.  HIS offer still stands as long as you have breath.  Come before HIM, and repent of your sin, lay it all down at HIS feet, believe that Jesus died for those sins, and that God has forgiven them.  Believe that Jesus raised from the dead, and that you are loved by HIM..allow HIM to be the king of your heart, and I promise you…HE will fill that void.    (to be continued)

Down to the Bottom/Lifter of my head IV

(you can find the beginning of this story on the page listed the same as this title- thank you Ellen at Stormstories for your encouragement to day to tell this part.

Five years or so passed before I started to seriously date for relationship.  I just didn’t want a man around with all the drama that seemed to be part of that. My baby girl was my world.  I still partied but not extensively (so I felt that was acceptable), I did not party in front of my daughter, and men were not allowed to come to my home. That was our refuge from the world.

Eventually I gave in to a young man, a farmer(go head laugh, I know you want to). I was so desperate for something to be the way it should. (God was already working on my heart, I was tired of living under the curse)  Life seemed good for a while, and he had a son, so I took him in like my own.  Soon, he was drunk everyday, and missing work. It was nothing to come home and find the electric turned off, or all my food eaten by his drunken buddies who were now sleeping on my floor, at 4 in the afternoon.  He started to beat me when I was sleeping, (with good reason, I tore him up awake)for things that I later found out he was doing.  Long story short..I caught him with my best friend, so I lost them both the same day. I never felt pain like that of betrayal. And it felt like my heart had been cut out and left laying for me to look at.  By this time I have two girls and a son that is not mine.  I tried to work through it with him, and no friend…but it increasing got worse. My pain and his actions. He soon had several girlfriends, and told my girls to call me names. He did this in front of me, and it broke my heart even more to hear them call me names out of those precious little mouths.  This time my girls(71/2, 1) and his son(6) watched me push him through a door, and beat him til the police arrived. All charges were dropped. (Thank you Jesus)

My only friend left in the world worked with me, and saw me go through all this, broken ribs, tears that seemed they would not end.  This friend helped me move out while he was at work (another thank you Jesus for him going to work), and helped me set up a new place to live.  This friend was there for me, and seemed to have no motives other than he liked me, just like I was.  I had no idea that he would become the wonderful husband that I have today! (Again thank you Jesus)

I could not write this part of my story for a long time. I could not articulate exactly why. I had forgiven him, and I had moved on with Jesus Christ, I just couldn’t tell this part.  Recently, I was pulled into court to see him face to face over a support order that is now 14 years old. I never took full support, and only asked for 325 a month to cover the sitter expenses, no medical support, nothing else. It was raised to 425 a month 6 years ago by the state.  I totally fell apart knowing that I had to see him again. The rejection, and betrayal seemed to surface, and I needed Jesus to go with me.  Turned out he needed a favor, and for me to lower the support to keep him out of jail.  I asked him to sign her over to us and I would drop the support all together. Forgiving the debt and the one that was past due.  He agreed. 

I looked at this man, and knew that GOD had made such a change in my heart. I no longer looked at him with contempt, I looked at a broken man who needed Jesus. I told him that.  “Jesus is the only one who can fix your problems, and you should really take some time and talk to HIM, it’s working for me..” He shook his head thanked me, and said “who would’ve thunk”. 

God heals the hurts, HE binds up the wounds, and when it is most uncomfortable for me, HE has a plan that is worth following HIM into.  (My next entry to this will be my story of when I came to Christ and made a commitment, and How that changed everything,..truly lifting my head)

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Down to the Bottom/Lifter of my Head II

It’s been a long time since I posted any more of my story, and I am feeling like God is pushing me off my seat again.. Go here for the part one

As if part one wasn’t enough, and as if I should have known the bottom by that point…it was just the beginning of discovering that the bottom has no bottom.  There is no such thing as this is as low it goes…

My next adventure with men, took me to a place where romance was a scam.  And I fell for it.  At that time, I started to not only sell drugs but use more than I sold, fighting with anyone and everyone…so much anger and suicidal tendancies made me a dangerous person on the outside, and a scared little girl on the inside.  I didn’t look up, I always looked down or blank stared through people, but look up..no. If I had, maybe I would have seen Jesus holding out HIS hands to me. 

I became a junky.  I took everything and anything, and I am sure I should have been dead on several accounts to my addiction.  This was my first brush with the supernatural, and the power of GOD that intrigued me, and would not leave my thoughts.  It isn’t unusal to see things that aren’t there when high as a kite…but it is unusual to remember them over a period of time.  I know that GOD pursued me in that moment.  For what I saw is still vivid in my mind. I saw a beautiful woman, who threatened to take all that I had left, and she laughed at me, she taunted me, and when I reached for her, she became the most hideous creature I had ever seen…it was like looking into a porthole straight into hell.  Terrifying.  I cried out with what even surprised me at the time, was a prayer that my step dad made me learn. ( bless him for that)  But all I could remember was…”Our Father who art in Heaven…deliver me from the evil one” and a peace came over me, and I left that house, and never returned. My addiction was gone and needles and drugs a thing of the past.  I was scared to death to even entertain the thought.

The Power of Almighty God in the dark kingdom.  I felt it that night, as HE grabbed me again from the pit.  Did I look up at that point? you would think that I would have, but no.

While looking back at this time in my life, I was desperate to believe in romance, love, and a safe place to land. Still wanting the fairy tale.  The fairy tale goes like this…A knight in shining armor will ride in on a white horse, and rescue the maiden in distress, and will take her with him to his castle and take care of her, and live happily ever after…. For many years I scolded women for telling their daughters that lie..but is it a lie….

Ever read the last few chapters of Revelation, please do..HE is coming on a white horse, and we are going to live happily ever after…if you have repented your sin and allow HIM to be the KING of your heart.  Its not to late…you haven’t missed it..Please,  I beg you..let HIM in and let HIM trade your ashes for beauty.  (to be continued…down to the bottom/lifter of my head)

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