Category Archives: suffering

Pondering…looking at the Wall

Ever find yourself still, staring at a wall? Can’t get over it? Can’t get around it? not sure how you even ended up here?

Been looking and struggling with this wall for quite some time..days have turned to months, months are quickly turning to years…

The need to evaluate, and re-evaluate is imperative.  The questions that come to mind are scary, and very transparent of the heart.  I’ve been shamed for being at this wall, accused of some horrific sin, dismissed as a backslider…..yet I am exactly where God wants me to be.  HE is shredding my legalistic views, HE is stirring my bitterness to eliminate it, HE is still in control…even here. Only when HE has finished with the extremely painful heart surgery, will HE see me to the other side.

Funny, how we are so quick to judge another at the wall. How quickly we dismiss what we don’t understand. So often we claim to know what God is doing in another. We even claim to know and understand God.  *sigh*

God is not created in man’s image, we don’t even have a conclusive definition of “Holy”, yet we claim it.  I absolutely hate looking at this wall…and at the same time…I believe HE has a plan that is more awesome than anything I could dream up.

HE promised to never leave me…

HE promised to finish the work HE started in me…

HE promised to never let go…

Simple promises. Holding on to them with all I got.  Hoping that when I get to the otherside of this wall, that my concept of HIM will have grown in huge proportions.  “I will wait patiently on the LORD”…HE is faithful, even when I am not.

Ever been here? what did you learn if you have been?  Maybe you are there now.  If so, how do you keep looking up?

“Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ”

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Down to the Bottom/Lifter of my head IV

(you can find the beginning of this story on the page listed the same as this title- thank you Ellen at Stormstories for your encouragement to day to tell this part.

Five years or so passed before I started to seriously date for relationship.  I just didn’t want a man around with all the drama that seemed to be part of that. My baby girl was my world.  I still partied but not extensively (so I felt that was acceptable), I did not party in front of my daughter, and men were not allowed to come to my home. That was our refuge from the world.

Eventually I gave in to a young man, a farmer(go head laugh, I know you want to). I was so desperate for something to be the way it should. (God was already working on my heart, I was tired of living under the curse)  Life seemed good for a while, and he had a son, so I took him in like my own.  Soon, he was drunk everyday, and missing work. It was nothing to come home and find the electric turned off, or all my food eaten by his drunken buddies who were now sleeping on my floor, at 4 in the afternoon.  He started to beat me when I was sleeping, (with good reason, I tore him up awake)for things that I later found out he was doing.  Long story short..I caught him with my best friend, so I lost them both the same day. I never felt pain like that of betrayal. And it felt like my heart had been cut out and left laying for me to look at.  By this time I have two girls and a son that is not mine.  I tried to work through it with him, and no friend…but it increasing got worse. My pain and his actions. He soon had several girlfriends, and told my girls to call me names. He did this in front of me, and it broke my heart even more to hear them call me names out of those precious little mouths.  This time my girls(71/2, 1) and his son(6) watched me push him through a door, and beat him til the police arrived. All charges were dropped. (Thank you Jesus)

My only friend left in the world worked with me, and saw me go through all this, broken ribs, tears that seemed they would not end.  This friend helped me move out while he was at work (another thank you Jesus for him going to work), and helped me set up a new place to live.  This friend was there for me, and seemed to have no motives other than he liked me, just like I was.  I had no idea that he would become the wonderful husband that I have today! (Again thank you Jesus)

I could not write this part of my story for a long time. I could not articulate exactly why. I had forgiven him, and I had moved on with Jesus Christ, I just couldn’t tell this part.  Recently, I was pulled into court to see him face to face over a support order that is now 14 years old. I never took full support, and only asked for 325 a month to cover the sitter expenses, no medical support, nothing else. It was raised to 425 a month 6 years ago by the state.  I totally fell apart knowing that I had to see him again. The rejection, and betrayal seemed to surface, and I needed Jesus to go with me.  Turned out he needed a favor, and for me to lower the support to keep him out of jail.  I asked him to sign her over to us and I would drop the support all together. Forgiving the debt and the one that was past due.  He agreed. 

I looked at this man, and knew that GOD had made such a change in my heart. I no longer looked at him with contempt, I looked at a broken man who needed Jesus. I told him that.  “Jesus is the only one who can fix your problems, and you should really take some time and talk to HIM, it’s working for me..” He shook his head thanked me, and said “who would’ve thunk”. 

God heals the hurts, HE binds up the wounds, and when it is most uncomfortable for me, HE has a plan that is worth following HIM into.  (My next entry to this will be my story of when I came to Christ and made a commitment, and How that changed everything,..truly lifting my head)

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Philippians 1:12,13

Sorry , this should have been posted yesterday, and I have no excuse..life is just coming at me fast..and I decided to play and take a break.  Check out this study going on at Philter48 , click on the button “Philippians Study”. (easy huh?)

12 I want you to know, brothers,  that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel, 13 so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard  and to all the rest that my imprisonment is for Christ.(ESV)

 These verses are intense.  I love Paul’s Kingdom-minded perspective. All for the Kingdom.  In every case of what the world would say is trial and persecution in Paul’s life, was the finger of God moving HIS plan into action, to spread the gospel to all nations.  Totally blows my mind.  Paul could have whined and complained about all that was happening to him, but his Believing God was always in tact! He knew that God was good, and if HE allowed such things, then GREAT things of a larger magnitude was at stake.  Can you think of anything greater than a lost soul coming to Christ? 

Paul was imprisoned and his charge was following Christ, and telling others about HIM.  Can you imagine the guards in the prison, knowing this, and still the man keeps going, and going, and going…(talk about energizer!)

I am convinced that without the mind of  Christ, and Knowing the heart of God…this is where the rubber meets the road!  Many claim to know HIM, but in the slightest discomfort, the whining, and complaining is unbelievable! Paul demonstrates a heart fixed on Christ, the author and perfector of his faith, and not the world. 

Are we focused on the Kingdom? Are we all about ourself? or all about God?  seems to me there is no middle of the road.

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Filed under Authenticity, believe, Bible, Bible Study, finger of God, Glory of God, God, Jesus, life, obedience, Only One God, Philippians, reflections, scripture, suffering, trust

Storm Stories-Overcomer-Refuge

Noreaster is hosting a month of Storm Stories, today is my day to write for him.  But if you want to read it, you got it..you need to go there and read.  Please read the other posts while you are there and check in throughout the month.  I am very excited and encouraged about what has begun, and what will be presented there…so just do it!  It easy..just click on the pic “Storm Stories” ..see wasn’t that easy!

I believe that God is my refuge, my hiding place, my strong tower, and always with me.  Sounds kind of big headed, but seriously the Bible says its true, so Truth it is!  When you are caught in a storm (and yes you will), remember who goes there with you.  Peace and love…see you over at the Noreaster’s!

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Filed under Abiding, believe, Bible, Christianity, finger of God, God, hope, life, NorEaster, storms, suffering, Surrender, trust

Blogged Bible Study – John 16 “why trouble?”

Since John 16 starts with “All this I have told you…” I really need to back up into the last part of 15 to get the whole picture.

15: 18-16:4  Jesus explains to the disciples that if the world hates them, it is because of HIM. They hated HIM to without reason.  And ulitmately the reason was because they did not know HIS Father who sent HIM. We are never greater than HE, so we shouldn’t be surprised when this happens.  HE gives this warning so the disciples and us do not stray away from HIM when it happens.  Constantly remembering what 15:1-17 has instructed, to abide/remain in HIM.

I found this interesting and worth taking a closer look;

John 16:1-4 “All this I have told you so that you will not go astray. They will put you out of the synagogue; in fact, a time is coming when anyone who kills you will think he is offering a service to God. They will do such things because they do not know the Father or me.  I have told you this, so that when the time comes you will remember that I warned you.  I did not tell you this at first because I was with you.”

All of this did take place for the disciples in their futures, it also is still happening around the world.  Believers are being persecuted and killed for thier faith…no other reason, they haven’t found a criminal act for such punishment. Although, in many countries, believing that Jesus died for our sin and rose again and it returning for us…is a crime.

Thinking of Americans…who have yet to face that type of persecution, we still face the wrath of professing believers, who believe they are doing what God wants them to do.  Spiritual Abuse is rampant in America.  Professing believers, persecuting other believers.  I have been extremely distraught over this at times.  I was asked to leave a church because of teaching preteens who they are in Christ, and attributes of God.  Why? I asked that many times.  Now I sit and look at these verses…Just because someone attends church, or is there every time the doors are open, does not make them a Christ Follower.  *sigh*  I see many people straying away from the faith, due to this activity that is not from God.  We have been warned.  Just like the disciples…

John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Why so surprised at trouble in the world? Why so surprised when its directed at us?  We have been warned…Abiding/remaining in HIM is where peace lies, and its ours.  HE has overcome the world!  Another phrase of Christ that tells me the battle is won…its over the ending is finalized.  Again…we aren’t home yet!

There is much in this chapter about the sending and recieving of the Holy Spirit.  Sweet!  and through out this week I hope to touch on that. *sigh*  this is just one post.  Get in the word, read it, pray over it, ask and HE will help you to understand…its not just history, its for YOU.  Peace.

(this is the first of many posts on this chapter this week, please go here and read the rest, I am anxious to read them myself! )

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Can we talk?

My heart has been heavy for some time, and although I come in and out of it, I come back to the same thing. So many are claiming Christ, and living in defeat.  There is victory in Jesus, and if we are not experiencing it, then guess who  isn’t cooperating??  Jesus did not promise us a life without problems, HE didn’t promise us an easy road to HIM, HE didn’t promise that we would always have some stupid smile on our face. This is NOT our home, we live in a fallen world…

We are not greater than our Master-John 13:16

In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world-John 16:33

But what HE has promised the believer is;

I will finish the work I started in you-Philippians 1:6

I am coming back for you, you are not an orphan without a home-John 14:18

Here is where my heart gets heavy, so many offer so much advice, and yet the crisis of unbelief seems to be a blanket in which to hide and study our pain, we somehow start to worship our own pain…there is something very twisted in that, and not from God.  HE gives us wings to soar over our pain, HE touches and heals the heart, HE loves with an everlasting love, and yet we are caught dwelling on what we can not change, instead of believing HIM that trials and sufferings teach us more about HIM, and also share in HIS sufferings, and still most of us will not be called to die for HIM, yet we wallow in our suffering as if we are called to put out more than HE.  In the words of Mama Beth (Beth Moore), Its time to stop wishing and whining, and start believing and receiving! AMEN!? Amen

When’s the last time your hurt, and disappointment was turned back to HIM, and just allowed HIM to hold you, just comfort you? The sweetest thing to me is when I allow HIM to hold me…HE is never too busy…I don’t have to wait, HE’s already here…and HE has no time constraints…holds us as long as it takes, days to months to years…does it take away the pain of it all, not always…but it does give us the power and strength to look it in the face and rise above it…Thats the promise…as my heart breaks for the hurting…we have no other choice..we need to believe and then recieve.  Praying tonight for your hearts to find healing, and comfort in Christ. And then to just turn around and hide in HIM, feel the waltz, and let HIM hold you as long as it takes.

If you have time listen to this by Natalie Grant- Held, and just close your eyes and waltz with HIM, let HIM hold you and hold you and hold you..experience this..

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