Category Archives: random thoughts

Backed in a Corner-Jump

Whenever a commitment is taken, in order to come closer or to follow God, HE immediately starts saying “Jump”! Terrified is an understatement! Life changes rapidly, and my skin doesn’t even feel comfortable.  The heat is turned up!  Pressure from every side. No other possible move in this. Jumping is the only option.  

So tomorrow I take a huge jump.  I do know HE will catch me, I do know HE has a plan, and I do know that HE loves me.  Looking for a new job, interviewing, money is a huge reason. But more reasons have surfaced that are more than just a little disturbing.

I have become vulnerable. I hate it.  Vulnerable has not been in my vocabulary.  Some have found ways to back me in a corner, and demand that I do things that are against everything I am…to keep my income. All while knowing they are taking advantage of a very bad situation. HE reminds me that vengeance is his, altho I really want a piece of it.

Some other things are pressing. All have become almost intolerable, since the comittment.

I take committments seriously, never take them lightly.

So I jump into the unknown, believing that no matter what there is an abundant life with my name on it. And I am going to claim it.

This is not my home, I belong to heaven.  Leaning like crazy and holding on with two hands. 

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Princess to Beloved

Some of you remember my journey as a Princess, learning what it means to have a Father. Learning to take my place in God’s family. I have embraced it, taught it, breathed it.

A new journey has begun. The Beloved, the bride of Christ, God as my husband.  Sounds romantic, and divine. It very well may be. I haven’t learned this yet, I have not embraced it, can’t imagine teaching it, and breathing chokes me at times. But the journey has begun. No turning back, no running away, full of tears at times, and always loaded with questions. Most of all….the most humbling experience ever.

Sympathy is not what I need or what I am looking for. Encouragement on this journey is what I really need.  I don’t expect anyone to understand me at this time, relieved that He does, and will answer my heart when its best for me. 

Wipe your tears that flow for me, continue your prayers, and rejoice with me that I do not live in a dark place constantly without hope. 

This is the year to learn how to:

-lean into my Creator and accept God as my husband

-drop all inhibitions and believe everything is possible

-love without fear of losing

-dance like no one can see me

-show gratitutde for each new day

-forgive to be forgiven

-extend mercy as I will always be in need of it

-swim in Grace

-accept and embrace that no one ever could love or provide for me better than my divine husband.

Life moves on. HE holds his hand out to me, and and begs me to believe Him here…and come. So much life yet to live, so much love to experience, and so much kingdom work to be done.

I really do love Him, He scares me to death sometimes.

“He is not safe, but He is good” – C.S. Lewis

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NNN-Next New Normal

Wondering why sedation is the answer to grieving? It was more of a problem for me.  Maybe its my addictive personality, maybe it just wasn’t right for me.  

I refuse to take the sedation any more. 

Running straight into it with my eyes open…it has to be that way.

27 years ago I was here. Bad, no terrible devastating decisions, drugs, alcohol, and whatever gets you through the night. Reaching out for anything.

I learned the hard way, but I learned. There is no easy way out of here. So keep your head, move forward no matter what the pain feels like, be the overcomer you are created to be. If the need a rises to grab on to something, then grab a hold of the only One who loves us so deep, so high, so wide, so long. He is the only One who knows every detail of our life. 

Always for us, not against us.

Strong safe place to land.

Never gets tired of us, always wants more of us.

Next step in the New Normal; 

Believing the only One will not leave us in the desolate place, and will restore us to something beautiful, He is faithful and He does not lie, He has no darkside, and He doesn’t need us, He wants us….even in our messy broken lives…

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grief process

So many things one must experience in the grief process. None are easy.  Constantly missing and wanting someone who will never walk thru the door again.  If that is not enough to cause stress, suddenly you take his place in parenting, providing, and comforting others. After 50 days of working like crazy to pull things together, talking to people to receive help, many who treat you as if you are scamming them, things slow down to the beginning of a new normal.  Without a doubt, God has brought us through all of it. Many people helped us financially without any gain for them self.

As things get quiet…realizing all your dreams have disappeared with your loss.  New dreams seem almost impossible. A huge void opens.  Clinging to the only One who can help and who understands fully.  Moments of peace. 

Sleep is what I need, instead, I wake up in the middle of an anxiety attack which is foreign to me. Crying , shaking, finding it difficult to breathe.

I truly do not understand this part. It may be normal, I may have to go thru this.  It just seems like another pill for me, and I am looking forward to restoration. I still believe, He is going to rescue me.

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Mondays…love to hate it

I am not a fan of Mondays never was, always childlike in stop having fun and get back to work.  UGH!  

It never fails that once I start my week, its really not that bad.

Of course, I believe Chocolate helps mondays to be sweeter.

What do you love to hate, and what makes it sweeter?

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oh How He Loves

This song has taken on a much deeper meaning lately.

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March 12, 2013 · 6:23 PM