Category Archives: random thoughts

My New Husband

When I lost my husband, God was very clear to me that He would now be my husband.  Didn’t understand all that meant then, still don’t.

I received a package of gifts before Christmas along with an envelope with $500.00 dollars, the exact amount I was short to finish this month.  Then I decided that I would use some of it to give to my children for Christmas. We had planned to not have Christmas.  They deserved Christmas, they are awesome, and its been a hard year for them as well.  No one knew I was short in my bills, no one knew my plan for my kids.  Another envelope comes, the exact amount of money I just put in cards for my kids. Just a note…from Jesus.

Recently, battling depression, working long hours, and holding my kids close to get them thru this, Crying every time I am alone to God.  Wondering what is this life for, what does it mean that you are my husband.  Missing someone who has rejected me with out reason, Missing the life I once had,  Then God provides financially.  I am grateful. Also feeling  guilty for my own selfish needs.  I wonder if God comes down and holds one, gives that physical touch, or a smile of approval.  I miss the human things,  Wonder if this is what it means to be his wife, why am I not more grateful to have the greatest one of all be my husband.  Still wondering what does that mean. Will He still protect me from all the elements that seem to be against me.   Grateful that He understands this post, and knows my heart.

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Protected Password

My blog posts will no longer be public when speaking my heart. I need to vent here, and I need to get rid of the drama that stalks me.  I am done! My life is too hard at present to deal with anything else.  Writing is my way of talking through my thoughts.  

email, text, facebook me and I will give you the password.  

 

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Gentle Tough Guy

Gentle Tough Guy

All Man all the time! always believing that love is the cure.

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December 1, 2013 · 6:35 PM

Protected: Being Thankful

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Not the end, just the beginning…

Daily struggles with my own identity. hate it…

Its easy to quote scripture, and recite well meaning advice.

Difficult to make a heart connection.

Lately, I bring to the table, my fears, my anxiety, my future, and my heart.

My past is awful, who would want to be part of such a person?

Now the awful “W” word stalks me at every turn…

as if it defines me somehow. hate it!

Insecurity and rejection have been my greatest fears…when did this happen?

Again, I bring it to the Only One who knows, and the Only One who can help me.

As I look for myself in all the new things in my life, I pray to be found in Him.  I also pray to be delivered from all the titles that have been given me over the years.  I pray to feel beautiful, and to feel like I belong again. Life was so much easier when love lived here…not sure that will happen for me again, but I can’t fear rejection. There is no life in fear…perfect love casts out fear.  How does that work with a damaged heart, and a horrific past.

He brought me here this evening as I searched my heart for my own motives in my choices…

Isaiah 54:4,5  Living Translation

Fear not, you will no longer live in shame,

Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace of your youth

and the sorrows of widowhood.

For your Creator will be your husband;

the LORD of Heaven’s Armies is his name!

Thank you God, for calming my heart, and giving me the strength to come this far, I am never rejected by you. Help me to be satisfied with this truth, Its not the end of my life, its the beginning…

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Sometimes we all just need home…

Most of my life  houses didn’t feel like home.  What is home anyway? A place where you eat, sleep and do life. But more than that it is a safe place.  For the last 13 years this was a safe place. The only place that felt like home.  I am still here, but it doesn’t feel like home any more.  Maybe because it doesn’t feel safe anymore.  Its full of uncertainty, change, and fear. Not allowing it to swallow me up,  This is life. To sit down and be eaten alive by all the newness would be no life at all. I am alive,  Moving forward is the only option.

So enter the new normal.

God orchestrates my healing in his time, and it seems to be moving faster than anticipated. Knowing that is truth.

God has also brought someone into my life, who unknowingly has been God’s hands in helping me heal.  I realized this today.  This person feels like home to me.  A safe place to land, an open ear to listen, and makes me laugh instead of cry.  This person encourages me to take the next step in living. This person needs healing too, so unselfish. Its all too good to not be a gift from God. So, I thank Him.

Home is some place or someone who makes your heart dance, your eyes smile, and breathing is easy.  

Welcome new normal, I don’t know what is around the corner, but I believe it will be home.  

Thank you Lord, for holding me up when I could barely stand, for sending someone to encourage me, and making this person capable to touch my heart. I pray that I will also be able to help in the healing process for him.  Thank you for being for me and not against me. Thank you for this friend, who is authentic, and daily offers me a safe place to land. 

Don’t know when I will feel home again, but I long for it.  Another day and another step closer.  A safe place to land…doesn’t that sound good to everyone?

(Thank you friend for allowing me to feel safe, unjudged, and not condemned. Thank you for the healing touches in a smile, a laugh, a kind word, your own authenticity while enduring your pain. You are beautiful to me,)

 

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