Category Archives: insecurity

Sleeping Through the Storms ~ by TheNorEaster

After several days of trying to pull my thoughts into words this gentleman has done it for me. With His permission I am reposting this. For more of his writing, you can find him here

 

“Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples woke him up, shouting, ‘Lord, save us! We are going to drown!’

“Jesus responded, ‘Why are you so afraid? You have so little faith!’ Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm.”

~Matthew 8:24-26 NLT

I get desperately exhausted every time I consider this passage. The miracle used to amaze me, but now something very different does: Jesus is sleeping.

Outside.

       


On a boat.

In the middle of a storm.

He has been serving God so diligently and so determinedly — and so passionately to the point of exhaustion — that the fierce winds and cold rains and frigid waves do not even phase Him as He sleeps.

He sleeps.
Finally, He sleeps.
At long last, He can get some rest.

I am amazed at the enormously immense burdens He must have carried that led Him to such a profound point of exhaustion. When I consider my own cross, it makes my head spin.

I’m tired.
All the time.
I’m so tired I’m just tired.

But, I can’t sleep through the storms. I see the winds and feel the rains. And my heart jumps every time the freezing waves wash over me. I can taste the salt in my sleep.

I sleep.
But, never rest.
My heart is just too heavy.

I know to be still and know. And I know to trust His sovereignty. That it will all work out in the grand scheme. And in the end. Greater good, and all that. All that.

But, the silence
of an impossible God
keeps up my heart restless.

The God who makes all things possible has created, to my own small mind, the impossible. And mine is a life so impossible I do not want to know what I know. Not anymore I don’t.

I can’t
even explain
what happened.

And while I always can find someone to listen, I know of no one who can understand, who has been where I am. Difficult to do, actually, since I do not even know where I am.

It’s a place
beyond broken, where
you drift in glorious defeat.

And it is a place where all arguments are absurd, every insult stems from the sin of pride, opinions are the nemesis of truth, and knowledge is completely meaningless.

And people who
do not understand
think you do not care.

And yet, you want so much to find some way to tell them that you do care, but the only words you can find to explain your defeat are that you don’t. That you don’t care.

Listen.
I do care.
All I do is care.

Ideals are the dreams of blind men. And I am just not a man consumed by the issues of the day. Nor am I the one to take up the cause of the moment. And I’ll tell you why.

Because
I am tired.
I’m so tired I’m just tired.

And I still can’t sleep through the storms. Instead, I am the man of the sea terrified by what I see. And I just want to wake Him up, to calm the storm so I can rest.

Yes, Lord,
I am terrified.
Please, let me rest.

 

 
 

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Filed under deliverance, faith, fear, God's plan, hope, insecurity, Kingdom living, life, NorEaster, princess entries

Surprised! its a trust issue

sometimes God uses the element of surprise to get straight to my heart, and been asking for that for sometime…a heart change.

on sunday our church played a clip with a guy speaking of his childhood, father murdered, mother suicide, and how he is today, still messed up (in my opinion) but learning to hold on to God and accept HIS plan for him. tough stuff…

of course the element of surprise hit quite a few notes in my heart…the enemy raced in to be his ignorant self.  didn’t hear too much of the service after that, but my emotions and thoughts seemed to go nuts!  while i fought to keep my mind focused, the LORD just spoke into my chaotic heart…soft and firm..”you don’t trust me”…that revelation that is mild in comparison of what others hear…was devastating to me.  you see i want to trust HIM, i know longer want to understand the past, and for long periods of time i am believing that i trust HIM.  Just a video of someone i didn’t even know, and just the words murder, suicide..disappointed at that moment that everything in my reacted so differently from what i believe.

God is walking this out with me…i understand Soveriegnty, i understand LOVE, but somehow my mind needs to grasp that HE is all of HIS attributes at once…the enemy needs shut out once and for all, and my trust in HIM should not be so easily shaken.

so today i rejoice in the fact that- i asked HIM to help my unbelief, i know that alot of areas where i fall down at is a result of unbelief…battled for months with where and why do i have this…and now i know…i don’t trust him with everything..do you? how do you do that? are you for real or just giving me the sunday school version because you know that? i know that too..then there is a heart connect, where words and actions should become one and the same..

asked God recently to spare anothers heart, and pleaded with HIM, to want to …odd huh?  and with in 45 minutes a phone call told me, the miraculous had happened in that persons life….again the soft voice…”princess trust me”

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Filed under finger of God, God, healing, heart, heart condition, hope, insecurity, life, Love, princess entries, trust

Always wanted to walk on water

I have been struggling with myself while reading the book “So Long Insecurity”,  by Beth Moore , there are times that I am sure God has freed me from a lot of my past, and at the same time I know there is still work to be done on my heart, and more healing is in order.  Recently, I decided to lay the book down, my own thinking was, maybe i am just stirring a pot that doesn’t need stirred.  But then I realized…by the mighty hand of God, that my insecurity was being afraid of looking back, afraid of falling in my walk (and i have done that), and allowing my doubt to run my life, or ruin it….have you never wondered…what if, this time i have really gone too far..

Today while coming home from a very long trying day, this song came on the radio…there in my car, God touched my heart, and every word of it felt like God speaking directly to me..wonder if anyone else may need to hear this too…you know…i always wanted to take HIS hand and walk on the water…i may just do that!

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Filed under believe, Beth Moore, bondage, deception, deliverance, doubt, encouragement, Faithfulness, fear, God, healing, heart, hope, insecurity, life