Upside down, Inside out

remembering when God turned my world upside down and inside out for my good…remembering how unsettling at times that was…didn’t know at that time that God would have to do that to me over again….and who knows? maybe several more times in my life…

About eight years ago, the path i was on…nothing short of incredible…three years ago, a mentor led me into a pit that scarred me in ways no one will ever know, but God knows.  Since then, it seems to be very easy for me to fall into my old life style at a drop of a hat!  I don’t let people very close to me, until i am pulling away into my seclusion that feels like home to me.

Thought that was all behind me.  Only to wake up recently and realize I live there again…

God is once again turning my heart, my life upside down and inside out, for my own good, and to bring HIM glory. Is it painful..yes.  Acceptance and affirmation have become idols, and they need to go…strange that when they let me down (and of course they will) my emotions become upset with God. Realize this now… I need to spend time in the word every day, and i need to listen to good praise music, i need to spend time in conversation with HIM…these are only my convictions, i don’t expect them to be yours.  My scars have been reopened, and wounds can only be healed HIS wounds, and who i am can only be found in HIM.

Its going to be worth it, and i have to believe that.

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We Have Been Warned

All verses are taken from the ESV, and all italics are my own thoughts. I realize that the verses from Revelations are to the churches that are named, but it is also to us the “Church”. We really need to apply these warnings to ourself, and also be encouraged that HE has provided a way for us to overcome/conquer.  We live in a world where we compromise on so many things.  God’s word is not up for negotiation, HE said it, I believe HE means it.  Revelations is the only book that comes with a blessing and a curse..read and apply, blessing. Take away or add to it, curse.  Pretty intense huh? yeah it makes me tremble just writing it out here.

Oh Father God, help us to apply, help us to overcome.  So many tell me there are gray areas in your word, I am finding it difficult to imagine YOU a GOD of such great detail, to put gray areas to watch us stumble around to find our own way.  Please purify your bride, get us ready, and remind us to bow to no man in no way.  I know you are a GOD that has a great love for your children, at the same time I know YOU are a KING, Creator, Sustainer, and the writer of this great story and plan that you have orchestrated. Have mercy on us, we seriously are not getting it, or we are blinded and need you to heal our spiritual eyes.  No doubt we need YOU, and we can not do a thing without YOUR hand.  Please help us to be ready.

Ephesians 5:5
For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.

Have you ever seen this verse? Have you ever fallen on your face before the KING of kings, and screamed “please do not let me be one of these, rid me of everything unpleasing to you, don’t stop purging me until it is gone”?  I have come on this verse several times, and each time, it reminds my heart of …

Philippians 2:12
Lights in the World
Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling,

Hey I know the verses that say i am sealed with the HS, and my salvation is locked in..but there is a reason that these verses are in the Bible.  I am no theologian, but I believe God has the power to do anything HE chooses, and we are called to obedience.

1 John 5:4
For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith.

1 John 2:14
I write to you, fathers, because you know him who is from the beginning. I write to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have overcome the evil one.

Revelation 2:5-7, 13-17, 19-29

5 Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do  the works you did at first. If not,  I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent. 6 Yet this you have: you hate the works of  the Nicolaitans, which I also hate. 7 He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.  To the one who conquers I will grant to eat of  the tree of life, which is in  the paradise of God.’

13 “‘I know where you dwell,  where Satan’s throne is. Yet you hold fast my name, and you did not  deny my faith even in the days of Antipas  my faithful witness, who was killed among you, where Satan dwells. 14 But I have a few things against you: you have some there who hold the teaching of  Balaam, who taught Balak to put a stumbling block before the sons of Israel, so that they might  eat food sacrificed to idols and  practice sexual immorality. 15 So also you have some who hold the teaching of  the Nicolaitans. 16 Therefore repent. If not,  I will come to you soon and  war against them with  the sword of my mouth.17 He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.  To the one who conquers I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, with a new name written on the stone  that no one knows except the one who receives it.’

19 s “‘I know your works, your love and faith and service and patient endurance, and that your latter works exceed the first. 20 But I have this against you, that you tolerate that woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess and is teaching and seducing my servants to practice sexual immorality and  to eat food sacrificed to idols. 21 I gave her time to repent, but  she refuses to repent of her sexual immorality. 22 Behold, I will throw her onto a sickbed, and those who commit adultery with her I will throw into great tribulation, unless they repent of her works, 23 and I will strike her children dead. And all the churches will know that I am he  who searches mind and heart, and  I will give to each of you according to your works. 24 But to the rest of you in Thyatira, who do not hold this teaching, who have not learned what some call  the deep things of Satan, to you I say, I  do not lay on you any other burden. 25 Only hold fast what you have until I come. 26 The one who conquers and who keeps my works  until the end,  to him I will give authority over the nations, 27 and  he will rule them with a rod of iron,  as when earthen pots are broken in pieces, even as I myself have received authority from my Father.28 And I will give him  the morning star. 29 He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.’

Revelation 3:1-6, 8-13, 15-22

“‘I know your works. You have the reputation  of being alive,  but you are dead. 2 Wake up, and strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have not found your works complete in the sight of my God. 3 Remember, then, what you received and heard. Keep it, and repent. If you will not wake up,  I will come  like a thief, and you will not know at what hour I will come against you. 4 Yet you have still a few names in Sardis, people who have not  soiled their garments, and they will walk with me  in white, for they are  worthy. 5 The one who conquers will be clothed thus in white garments, and I will never  blot his name out of  the book of life.  I will confess his name before my Father and before his angels. 6 He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.’

8 “‘I know your works. Behold, I have set before you  an open door, which no one is able to shut. I know that you have but little power, and yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name. 9 Behold, I will make those of  the synagogue of Satan who say that they are Jews and are not, but lie—behold,  I will make them come and bow down before your feet and they will learn that  I have loved you.10 Because you have kept my word about patient endurance, I will keep you from the hour of trial that is coming on the whole world, to try  those who dwell on the earth. 11 I am coming soon.  Hold fast what you have, so that no one may seize  your crown. 12 The one who conquers, I will make him  a pillar in the temple of my God. Never shall he go out of it, and I will write on him  the name of my God, and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem,  which comes down from my God out of heaven, and my own  new name. 13 He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.’

15 “‘I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! 16 So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. 17 For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor,  blind, and naked. 18 I counsel you  to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and x the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes,  so that you may see. 19 Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent.20 Behold, I stand at the door and  knock.  If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me. 21 The one who conquers,  I will grant him to sit with me on my throne, as  I also conquered and sat down with my Father on his throne.22 He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.’”

Wondering what does it mean to lose your lampstand? lots of theologians have different takes on these scriptures, what if…GOD just means exactly what HE said.  Are we working out our salvation with fear and trembling or are we taking HIS love for granted, and pleasing ourselves blowing off obedience, and making a mockery of HIS forgiveness, cheapening HIS grace as if we deserve it, its a gift…HE IS GOD! HE WILL NOT BE MOCKED! scares me to death!

Wedding Dress- Derek Webb

As I listened to this intro/video , first shocked at the raw look at who we have become…we need to wake up, and take GOD seriously…this is not about wealth..and although I believe that HE wants to expand our boundries, HE wants us to be working the back yards we have.It doesn’t mean HE doesn’t send some abroad, or that some will be wealthy.  It can’t be our priority. I don’t  want to be an adulterous bride…harsh? yeah..reality check.

Intro to Wedding Dress- Derek Webb

Wedding Dress- Derek Webb

The Ship is sinking…

My heart has been amazed at the amount of compassion that our LORD shines on us daily. As I go through my day and see so many children who are unloved, forgotten, and just missing the happy skip a child should have…I am reminded.

The world is getting worse, and its supposed to…that means HE is coming soon!  Mothers who can just be so consumed with theirself, and have no compassion on their own children…appalling!  So many who say they don’t believe in anything, and yet they are their own god, self worship!  Oh the long suffering and patience of our HOLY GOD, to not just wipe us out.  This is just the tip of the iceburg, and the ship is sinking…

With each heart ache I feel, I turn and lay it in HIS hands, and watch as HE turns it into something priceless.  When we get to Heaven we will never feel our hearts break again, He is going to wipe every tear away…but until then…

We need to pray for the lost, pray for our hearts to have compassion, and to reach with everything we have and don’t have as if we were watching someone drowning, they are.  We need to feel that kind of desperation in reaching out to the lost.  We know a secret, we are the lights reflecting the Son, its not just ours, its for them as well.  We need to give it away, to shine like crazy! 

Oh Father God, how lost we once were, and in your mercy you rescued us.  Don’t let us forget where we have come from, fill us over and over with your compassion and love, give our spirits an urgency to lose self, and allow you to flow from our lips and actions. 

Laying all the children I come in contact with at your feet, and remembering and believing that you knew them before you formed them in their mothers womb.  You have a plan, and I lift them to you, to protect them, reveal yourself to them, allow them to feel your love tonight, and don’t let them leave here without you.  Thank you for allowing my heart to break..I know you have my attention when that happens, and you always but it back together more in love with YOU.  Your princess who sees the signs, and feels the desperation to keep pressing on.

Down to the bottom-Lifter of my Head III

Here is the link to part I and part II. 

There was a void in me that interrupted my sleep, it burned deep with in me, and caused pain for me and for those who loved me. At times I remember feeling the sorrow that I caused others who loved me. But the empty void was so incredibly painful, that I began drinking heavy, dabbled with weed, speeders, and downers…I did not move onto the harder stuff as a result of what I described in Part II.  I met a man at the bar I frequented, he always looked out of place.  Very well off and dressed better than the rest who were always there. He always seemed to come shortly after me. (Later I found out that the bar tender was calling him if I showed up) He also had an empty void that burned and seemed to take over his thoughts.  He was a vietnam veteran.  Our romance was short, and although I adored him, I kept him at arms length for sometime.  And so many women had thier sites on him. I really didn’t want the drama.  But he pursued me. He showed up everywhere, and treated me like royalty. I became pregnant(which I was told at 17 that due to the abuse I had endured, this was not going to happen).  But when I was ready to tell him, He told me that he needed some time away from me.  And the other women..still around…I didn’t want him to return to me for this reason of being pregnant, and I was pretty sure I was destined to struggle anyway.  I knew he was having nightmares and was very withdrawn, and somehow I had made him my god.  I always opened the door to him and I would have given him anything.  He committed suicide when I was 6 months pregnant, and I would have followed him there if not for the child I was carrying.  (She truly is a gift from God, and the way that God brought me closer to himself)  I spent endless days at my special secluded place, crying and yelling at God.  “I know why you don’t want me, but why would you punish a baby to take her daddy, and start her like this?” I recieved many phone calls through out the pregnancy of ways to abort this baby…but I could not entertain the thought, she was all I had left of my god.  Many others called and wanted me to give her up for adoption, but again she was all I had in the world, and I wanted to keep her.  And I did.  After she was born, looking just like her daddy, I was determined to give her the best life, and to protect her.  I started drinking again, and working long hours to provide for her, and the void continued to burn, and my head still looking down, although holding my head high…so no one would know the turmoil within…

I know today that God would not tolerate another god, and I know every single time I look into my daughters beautiful face, that God knew I would follow him to the grave, and this miracle baby gave me the reason I needed to press on.  So while I was so angry at God, HE was loving and patient with me. Did I walk in the blessing?  no.  Did I lift my eyes to HIM? no.  I didn’t think it was possible to look up, and certainly not at HIM.  I truly believed HE existed, I just truly believed that HE hated me.

God is Holy, and Pure, HE is not vindictive. There are repercussions to sin, and I have learned that through many times choosing the wrong things, and for not looking to HIM to be my everything.  HE alone can fill the void..it hurts don’t it?, its consuming, and the quiet will stir it til you find yourself against a wall, or in a heap on the floor.  HE is the only one and the only thing that fills a soul with peace and joy, and can make the void full.  Please know that you have not out sinned the grace of God.  HIS offer still stands as long as you have breath.  Come before HIM, and repent of your sin, lay it all down at HIS feet, believe that Jesus died for those sins, and that God has forgiven them.  Believe that Jesus raised from the dead, and that you are loved by HIM..allow HIM to be the king of your heart, and I promise you…HE will fill that void.    (to be continued)

Down to the Bottom/Lifter of my head IV

(you can find the beginning of this story on the page listed the same as this title- thank you Ellen at Stormstories for your encouragement to day to tell this part.

Five years or so passed before I started to seriously date for relationship.  I just didn’t want a man around with all the drama that seemed to be part of that. My baby girl was my world.  I still partied but not extensively (so I felt that was acceptable), I did not party in front of my daughter, and men were not allowed to come to my home. That was our refuge from the world.

Eventually I gave in to a young man, a farmer(go head laugh, I know you want to). I was so desperate for something to be the way it should. (God was already working on my heart, I was tired of living under the curse)  Life seemed good for a while, and he had a son, so I took him in like my own.  Soon, he was drunk everyday, and missing work. It was nothing to come home and find the electric turned off, or all my food eaten by his drunken buddies who were now sleeping on my floor, at 4 in the afternoon.  He started to beat me when I was sleeping, (with good reason, I tore him up awake)for things that I later found out he was doing.  Long story short..I caught him with my best friend, so I lost them both the same day. I never felt pain like that of betrayal. And it felt like my heart had been cut out and left laying for me to look at.  By this time I have two girls and a son that is not mine.  I tried to work through it with him, and no friend…but it increasing got worse. My pain and his actions. He soon had several girlfriends, and told my girls to call me names. He did this in front of me, and it broke my heart even more to hear them call me names out of those precious little mouths.  This time my girls(71/2, 1) and his son(6) watched me push him through a door, and beat him til the police arrived. All charges were dropped. (Thank you Jesus)

My only friend left in the world worked with me, and saw me go through all this, broken ribs, tears that seemed they would not end.  This friend helped me move out while he was at work (another thank you Jesus for him going to work), and helped me set up a new place to live.  This friend was there for me, and seemed to have no motives other than he liked me, just like I was.  I had no idea that he would become the wonderful husband that I have today! (Again thank you Jesus)

I could not write this part of my story for a long time. I could not articulate exactly why. I had forgiven him, and I had moved on with Jesus Christ, I just couldn’t tell this part.  Recently, I was pulled into court to see him face to face over a support order that is now 14 years old. I never took full support, and only asked for 325 a month to cover the sitter expenses, no medical support, nothing else. It was raised to 425 a month 6 years ago by the state.  I totally fell apart knowing that I had to see him again. The rejection, and betrayal seemed to surface, and I needed Jesus to go with me.  Turned out he needed a favor, and for me to lower the support to keep him out of jail.  I asked him to sign her over to us and I would drop the support all together. Forgiving the debt and the one that was past due.  He agreed. 

I looked at this man, and knew that GOD had made such a change in my heart. I no longer looked at him with contempt, I looked at a broken man who needed Jesus. I told him that.  “Jesus is the only one who can fix your problems, and you should really take some time and talk to HIM, it’s working for me..” He shook his head thanked me, and said “who would’ve thunk”. 

God heals the hurts, HE binds up the wounds, and when it is most uncomfortable for me, HE has a plan that is worth following HIM into.  (My next entry to this will be my story of when I came to Christ and made a commitment, and How that changed everything,..truly lifting my head)

Critical Heart Condition leads to Death

You may have a critical heart condition that will result in the second death.  This has been brought to my attention. And I do want to make sure that everyone reading my blog understands.  There is much deception in this world, and alot of it begins in our heart.  Don’t believe that?  Hopefully I can prove that with just a few passages of Scripture.  Not what I think but what God says.  Critical! Most of us need a visit to the Heart Specialist- the Almighty Physician.

Ezekiel 36:23-27

²³“I will vindicate the holiness of My great name which has been profaned among the nations, which you have profaned in their midst. Then the nations will know that I am the LORD,” declares the Lord GOD, “when I prove Myself holy among you in their sight. ²⁴“For I will take you from the nations, gather you from all the lands and bring you into your own land. ²⁵“Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. ²⁶“Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. ²⁷“I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will be careful to observe My ordinances. ²⁸“You will live in the land that I gave to your forefathers; so you will be My people, and I will be your God. “

I understand that GOD is speaking to Isreal.  But HE has also given us this to learn from, and there is an application.  A Heart condition, that needs the Ultimate Heart Physician.  There are many theologies that are not giving the whole truth, infact they are permitting anything in the name of forgiveness, and selling insurance from the second death.  You can not buy a ticket, and you can not just say a prayer, and its all good.  The heart must be involved.  Repentance must be the issue.  And HE must take HIS rightful place on the throne in your heart.  God has to do these things from within us, within our heart.  If we have prayed the prayer, confessed your sin, and know the Holy Spirit is dwelling within us…then we should see change.  Our heart should be softer to God and HIS ways.  Delight should begin in walking in the way HE has laid out, we should be wanting HIS input in all areas of our life.  NO matter how small the change…there has to be change.  Without change…or fruit…we are at risk of the second death.  This is the eternal seperation of ourselves from God.  If any are thinking right now that maybe there is no change…maybe the heart is not well maybe even in a critcal state..Please meet with the Almighty Heart Physician, HIS line is always open, and its totally free! 

Sin hardens the heart – Matthew 13: 4, 19

The heart is extremely deceitful – Proverbs 17:9

David cried out for God to cleanse the ravages of his sin/purify his heart – Psalm 51: 10

God wants us to love HIM with all our heart – Deuteronomy 6:5

Jesus calls us blessed if our hearts are pure – Matthew 5:8

God cuts off every branch that bears no fruit/no change – John 15: 2