Category Archives: bitterness

Pondering…looking at the Wall

Ever find yourself still, staring at a wall? Can’t get over it? Can’t get around it? not sure how you even ended up here?

Been looking and struggling with this wall for quite some time..days have turned to months, months are quickly turning to years…

The need to evaluate, and re-evaluate is imperative.  The questions that come to mind are scary, and very transparent of the heart.  I’ve been shamed for being at this wall, accused of some horrific sin, dismissed as a backslider…..yet I am exactly where God wants me to be.  HE is shredding my legalistic views, HE is stirring my bitterness to eliminate it, HE is still in control…even here. Only when HE has finished with the extremely painful heart surgery, will HE see me to the other side.

Funny, how we are so quick to judge another at the wall. How quickly we dismiss what we don’t understand. So often we claim to know what God is doing in another. We even claim to know and understand God.  *sigh*

God is not created in man’s image, we don’t even have a conclusive definition of “Holy”, yet we claim it.  I absolutely hate looking at this wall…and at the same time…I believe HE has a plan that is more awesome than anything I could dream up.

HE promised to never leave me…

HE promised to finish the work HE started in me…

HE promised to never let go…

Simple promises. Holding on to them with all I got.  Hoping that when I get to the otherside of this wall, that my concept of HIM will have grown in huge proportions.  “I will wait patiently on the LORD”…HE is faithful, even when I am not.

Ever been here? what did you learn if you have been?  Maybe you are there now.  If so, how do you keep looking up?

“Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ”

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Filed under battles, bitterness, finger of God, God, God's plan, heart, heart condition, hope, image of God, journey, judging, Kingdom living, Legalism, life, ponderisms, princess entries, suffering

gave a fortuneteller a ticket…

(this is a true story, happened about 7 years ago)

While in Baltimore, MD’s Inner Harbor, i was confronted with a very hard truth, and although i didn’t understand it, and have really beaten myself up over it, and similar events in my Christ-follower life…while reading Fran’s post..God really spoke to my heart. and this is the story of how it is possible to take a huge step forward…and in the same hour..allow the flesh to drag you back…

i was in Baltimore MD’s Inner Harbor for a Beth Moore conference, i had an extra ticket, and lots of extra time to kill before the conference. we (the two other women with me) decided it would be a good idea to walk around Inner Harbor, and maybe we would find someone who would like to go and i could give them the ticket.  You know i could not give that ticket away, and it was soon time for us to get to the arena.  My heart was so pulled to go back to the mall, and give the ticket to the fortune teller…i know crazy..but Jesus loved her too, and we did make eye contact…the other women laughed at me, but reluctantly went with me…i entered her little tent/booth, and she said..”i know the future”, I replied ” i do too”, i then gave her the ticket, and told her to “please try to come, i know that God wants you to be there, HE loves you so”. her eyes softened, she smiled, and put it in her purse.

As i turned around i found that i was totally alone, the women had not only moved closer to the door, but went outside the mall…instantly my flesh was in a tizzy!  they started to make fun of me for doing what i did, and it didn’t stop there…when we got into the arena, it was very crowded…one of the women with me yanked at my ticket and said “are you sure there isn’t some demon you’d like to give this too?”…my ticket fell and people were walking on it…i had to scramble to get my ticket, then catch back up to them.  I was so angry, i wouldn’t look at them, i wouldn’t talk to them, i was wishing i wasn’t even there, and thinking of where else i could go to sleep so i could be far from them!

i just experienced the power of God, and the love of Jesus in a most beautiful way…and i could not show love to the church women who were with me…my heart sank, at a time when i wanted to be overjoyed in Christ, i was grieved not only by thier actions but by my own.

The next day at the last conference…at the altar call..i am sure that i seen her (the fortune teller) walk to the front and in all those people, i was amazed to see her, and to be so sure in my spirit that it was her.  I never seen her again, never had another conversation with her, but i believe i will see her when we all get to heaven.

Outreach, street people, homeless, underprivileged, drug addicts…God has put on my heart, i find them beautiful, i know HE loves them. But with out fail…i experience the presence of God, and then soon after i experience my flesh and the need for it to die more…i experience the anger of the enemy, and wonder why i don’t stand stronger at that time…i don’t pretend to know the mind of God, but i do know, that with each experience…i am learning to look more like Jesus and less like me…there is no room in my life with Christ, for pride, and a huge place for being humble.

if you get a chance to check out my awesome sista Fran’s blog..leave her a comment, and whole lotta luv!

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Filed under Beth Moore, bitterness, dying to self, God, Jesus, Kingdom living, life, Love, outreach, presence of God, princess entries

Changing the “want to”…

Lord God, our Father in Heaven, we are sadly mistaken..or we are blatantly defiant… we need you to change our “want to”, and cause it to line up with Yours.  We cry, plead, and whine through the storms, yet we make our home there.  You say, “thou shalt not…” and we say “I want to”.  Soften our hearts to your will, help us to keep your Son foremost in our thoughts, who was Obedient to Your will, even to death, on a cross. Help us to remember that we will not go through anything that HE has not experienced and that You know exactly what our fears are, even more than we do.  You alone have authority over everything, change our “want to”.

Often I am confronted with a struggle, a battle of the Wills.  Whether it is with my children, or it is between me and God. Both are situations where someone will lose the battle.  We can become consumed with what we want, and feelings are not always right, and emotions can be disasterous if allowed to make choices, especially life altering ones.  When God has clearly said “do not”, HE MEANS IT!  We will not change HIS mind, this is not a compromise, and HE does not love us more than the one that was rebuked for the same thing…So…why do we push the ticket?

Maybe in all our intelligence of theology, we have lost sight of who HE is.  HE is Holy. HE is Supreme. HE is Pure. HE is our Father who will do whatever it takes to make us look to HIM, and to choose HIS way.  HE calls to us for Obedience, and yet we think we have a choice. The choice is..walking in the blessing or walking without it.  Repercussions to our choices are sometimes more painful than just making the right choice. (this one i know)

God opened up HIS mouth, and we have creation in all its awesomeness! HE hung the stars and named them, I can’t even count them much less call them by name.  HIS plan is more than we can comprehend..HIS power is limitless! HE can change our “want to”, HE can change our “mood and attitude”.  HE will not hear our cries in direct disobedience, unless it is in repentance.  If we are playing a game, to have our “want to”, then later repent when we are done with the thing…oh HE will forgive, but you will feel the repercussions…because HE will not be mocked, HE won’t have it…

Disobedience is not ever rewarded…

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Filed under awareness, believe, bitterness, blessings, forgiveness, God, life, obedience, princess entries, repentance

Taking Some Ground, In JESUS name!

This morning was like any other Saturday morning, heading out to get food for hungry growing children!  In the car stereo, was Travis Cottrell~Unashamed Love. Of course, it needed to go UP! LOUDER!  in a matter of moments he escorted me right into the throne room, where I needed to be so desperately. More than I knew.  As Worship just filled my Saturn, the presence of the LORD was strong.  Been wondering lately, how does one love so deeply the LORD, and over time it seems to become natural.  HE is so NOT natural, HE is supernatural, there is no way that we should ever just stop jumping up and down over what HE has done and is doing.

The last few years, we have been through some things that only God can save us from. And save us HE did. But the scars have been deep, and on occasion painfully reminding.  We have come through Immorality/pornography, miscarriages, and a broken family to a whole family. God has moved in ways that are incomprehensible, and still knowing that HE has done these things.  I don’t know what you have been through, but I know when God moves HIS hand and saves you…you just can’t shut up about it! This is where the enemy put me in bondage again…

God moved on my heart to teach women, and I did for several years.  I live in a area where religious Bible teaching is prominent. Once they hear my testimony of where I have been and what Jesus has saved me from, the shots begin.  Some how, the enemy used them to sit me down, to lower my hands in praise, and to believe that I should just be happy that God has brought me into HIS family, but there really is no place among them.  How I tried to become part of one family after another, and the same thing happened again..

After months of no worshipping any where, God lead me Lifes Changed by Christ. Amazing.  Still there has been this darkness lurking around me..part of the legalism that bound me raced through my mind..”there is unrepentant sin..this is as good as it gets,..just be glad you have been saved from hell…no one wants to hear you…”  While pondering these things I have decided….

God will speak to my heart about what is wrong, as long as i keep my heart open to HIM! I did need some repentance, seems that I have been angry with GOD for bringing out of all the abuse in my life to abuse me again in Jesus name…

Then it happened! my worship, my freedom from the legalistic bonds that were trying to suffocate me. HE did not save me from the pit to sit me in the back seat or to allow self righteous people to make me hang my head yet again. NO that is not my GOD, and IN JESUS NAME, I am taking back the ground that my DADDY gave to me..Thank you Jesus for breaking through again and again.. Thank you for Beth Moore who taught me your Truth, and how to look into it my self, and thank you for Travis who taught me how to sing your praises from my heart.

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Filed under believe, Beth Moore, bitterness, blessings, finger of God, forgiveness, freedom, Grace, healing, hope, Jesus, life, princess entries, thankfulness, Travis Cottrell, Truth

no forgiveness =no forgiveness

Matthew 6:14-15

“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you.But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

WHOA!! Hold up! shoot! dang! This is God’s word, and I believe it is 100% TRUTH, and therefore must be taken to heart.  Some issues with some people are just so hard to forgive. So where does that leave me?? Unforgiveness =unforgiveness   

I can only speak for myself, but I am always in need for forgiveness.  When looking at all the forgiveness that the Father has so graciously given to me, I have nothing , no argument in covering my butt in unforgiveness! NONE!  So what is a person to do, when knowing this truth, and agreeing with it, and the heart is not working with the head?? 

Remembering that God can do all things, and I can do all things through HIM, I must bring this to the Father, and ask for HIS help in doing this, loving and forgiving someone you are crazy about it is not as difficult as loving and forgiving someone who is not crazy about me.  Yet, HIS word says  “love your enemies” (Matt. 5:44) This requires me to continually repent of unforgiveness, and submitting my heart to the LORD to make the necessary changes in it so that I can comply with HIS word.

Nothing works in my world, or makes sense if I don’t forgive. I have learned this lesson a long time ago, and now in need of the refresher.  God has no loop holes..LOVE! FORGIVE! just as HE is doing these things for me.  Hard lesson!! hope to get it this time  

How about you, ever found yourself just not wanting to forgive, or how do you handle this? is it possible you all have this one figured out and never struggle with it?

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Filed under believe, Bible, bitterness, forgiveness, God, life, obedience, Truth, unforgiveness

Bitter…mmmmmmm

How do you suppose one should confront another about being judgmental, without being judgmental?  Or critical? Or bitter?  I am guilty of carrying all three deep inside of me, and although not aware til recently, I am still rather stand offish with the ones who thought it necessary to tell me.  90% truth spoken to me.  10% self gain…

I do not deal well with hurt, or disappointment, and GOD is doing a work in me.  I would sooner turn and walk away from a problem than look right at it. Why? Thinking life is full of crap, people in general are full of crap, and self seeking, yes even while they speak some truth over you.

This is the deal! I need to not walk away so quickly, and at times I need to swallow the bitterness that it stirs up in me.  And once again…I need to believe HE is seeing this, and has a plan, and will take care of the others just like HE takes care of me.  These verses spoke me to today…

Hebrews 12:15 See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

Hebrews 12:28,29  Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our “God is a consuming fire”.

All I can say to that is “dang”, I got some fences to mend, and some believing to do, some repentance, and some grace to extend.  Also knowing that the bitter root that has already taken root is going to be painful coming out.  Back to life as HE wants it, and not so much how I want it, praying that HE will change my “wants”.  Peace.  Hope you all are having a good week!

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Filed under Bible, bitterness, Change, Grace, mercy, reflections, repentance, scripture