When I lost my husband, God was very clear to me that He would now be my husband. Didn’t understand all that meant then, still don’t.
I received a package of gifts before Christmas along with an envelope with $500.00 dollars, the exact amount I was short to finish this month. Then I decided that I would use some of it to give to my children for Christmas. We had planned to not have Christmas. They deserved Christmas, they are awesome, and its been a hard year for them as well. No one knew I was short in my bills, no one knew my plan for my kids. Another envelope comes, the exact amount of money I just put in cards for my kids. Just a note…from Jesus.
Recently, battling depression, working long hours, and holding my kids close to get them thru this, Crying every time I am alone to God. Wondering what is this life for, what does it mean that you are my husband. Missing someone who has rejected me with out reason, Missing the life I once had, Then God provides financially. I am grateful. Also feeling guilty for my own selfish needs. I wonder if God comes down and holds one, gives that physical touch, or a smile of approval. I miss the human things, Wonder if this is what it means to be his wife, why am I not more grateful to have the greatest one of all be my husband. Still wondering what does that mean. Will He still protect me from all the elements that seem to be against me. Grateful that He understands this post, and knows my heart.
My blog posts will no longer be public when speaking my heart. I need to vent here, and I need to get rid of the drama that stalks me. I am done! My life is too hard at present to deal with anything else. Writing is my way of talking through my thoughts.
email, text, facebook me and I will give you the password.
Filed under Authenticity, battles, convictions, follow, forgive, Grace, heart condition, heavy heart, Jesus, journey, life, loss, mercy, princess entries
People generally say anything that they think you want to hear. It’s not helpful.
People generally have their own desires in front of any repercussions it may cost another. Its awful.
People spend most of their life working for more money to better their life, while destroying relationships. Its painful.
People will hate another all while preaching love. It hurts.
We push hard to just make it through the week, and lick our wounds in private. Its hard.
We try to be honest with others. Its brutal.
We deal with manipulators who are pleasing their own twisted agenda. Its sickening.
Don’t trust people. Don’t trust your heart. Its deceiving.
So, what’s the point? Why are we pushing so hard, there is no promise that the other side of this is any better.
Why allow anyone in to the closed part of your soul, your deepest thoughts? They will not honor them.
I don’t know what the point is. I am not sure why I do this every day. But I know I screwed up. I looked to someone else and put my trust out there, and it was disastrous. An already trashed heart, smashed a little more.
God is the only one who knows “whats the point”, wondering if he will tell me.
All Man all the time! always believing that love is the cure.