Monthly Archives: October 2013

Journeying Home

Long week of sorrows.  I realize it will be like a rollercoaster. But the ride is tiring.

Disgruntled. This life is exhausting to only bring me barely breathing.

Remembering all that I have in Christ, and feeling small in all of it.

Wondering why I long to feel like I am home, belonging, beautiful, secure.

I was created for all of it, this is just not my home, I belong to Heaven.

Its ok to feel all this.

Wanting to be found in Him, and grateful for all the beauty around me and the people who care about me.

Journeying to the place I was created for, Heaven is my home…

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Filed under Beautiful, healing, Heaven, hope, journey, Kingdom living, life, mourning, princess entries, struggles

Not the end, just the beginning…

Daily struggles with my own identity. hate it…

Its easy to quote scripture, and recite well meaning advice.

Difficult to make a heart connection.

Lately, I bring to the table, my fears, my anxiety, my future, and my heart.

My past is awful, who would want to be part of such a person?

Now the awful “W” word stalks me at every turn…

as if it defines me somehow. hate it!

Insecurity and rejection have been my greatest fears…when did this happen?

Again, I bring it to the Only One who knows, and the Only One who can help me.

As I look for myself in all the new things in my life, I pray to be found in Him.  I also pray to be delivered from all the titles that have been given me over the years.  I pray to feel beautiful, and to feel like I belong again. Life was so much easier when love lived here…not sure that will happen for me again, but I can’t fear rejection. There is no life in fear…perfect love casts out fear.  How does that work with a damaged heart, and a horrific past.

He brought me here this evening as I searched my heart for my own motives in my choices…

Isaiah 54:4,5  Living Translation

Fear not, you will no longer live in shame,

Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace of your youth

and the sorrows of widowhood.

For your Creator will be your husband;

the LORD of Heaven’s Armies is his name!

Thank you God, for calming my heart, and giving me the strength to come this far, I am never rejected by you. Help me to be satisfied with this truth, Its not the end of my life, its the beginning…

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Filed under random thoughts

Sometimes we all just need home…

Most of my life  houses didn’t feel like home.  What is home anyway? A place where you eat, sleep and do life. But more than that it is a safe place.  For the last 13 years this was a safe place. The only place that felt like home.  I am still here, but it doesn’t feel like home any more.  Maybe because it doesn’t feel safe anymore.  Its full of uncertainty, change, and fear. Not allowing it to swallow me up,  This is life. To sit down and be eaten alive by all the newness would be no life at all. I am alive,  Moving forward is the only option.

So enter the new normal.

God orchestrates my healing in his time, and it seems to be moving faster than anticipated. Knowing that is truth.

God has also brought someone into my life, who unknowingly has been God’s hands in helping me heal.  I realized this today.  This person feels like home to me.  A safe place to land, an open ear to listen, and makes me laugh instead of cry.  This person encourages me to take the next step in living. This person needs healing too, so unselfish. Its all too good to not be a gift from God. So, I thank Him.

Home is some place or someone who makes your heart dance, your eyes smile, and breathing is easy.  

Welcome new normal, I don’t know what is around the corner, but I believe it will be home.  

Thank you Lord, for holding me up when I could barely stand, for sending someone to encourage me, and making this person capable to touch my heart. I pray that I will also be able to help in the healing process for him.  Thank you for being for me and not against me. Thank you for this friend, who is authentic, and daily offers me a safe place to land. 

Don’t know when I will feel home again, but I long for it.  Another day and another step closer.  A safe place to land…doesn’t that sound good to everyone?

(Thank you friend for allowing me to feel safe, unjudged, and not condemned. Thank you for the healing touches in a smile, a laugh, a kind word, your own authenticity while enduring your pain. You are beautiful to me,)

 

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Filed under random thoughts