remembering when God turned my world upside down and inside out for my good…remembering how unsettling at times that was…didn’t know at that time that God would have to do that to me over again….and who knows? maybe several more times in my life…
About eight years ago, the path i was on…nothing short of incredible…three years ago, a mentor led me into a pit that scarred me in ways no one will ever know, but God knows. Since then, it seems to be very easy for me to fall into my old life style at a drop of a hat! I don’t let people very close to me, until i am pulling away into my seclusion that feels like home to me.
Thought that was all behind me. Only to wake up recently and realize I live there again…
God is once again turning my heart, my life upside down and inside out, for my own good, and to bring HIM glory. Is it painful..yes. Acceptance and affirmation have become idols, and they need to go…strange that when they let me down (and of course they will) my emotions become upset with God. Realize this now… I need to spend time in the word every day, and i need to listen to good praise music, i need to spend time in conversation with HIM…these are only my convictions, i don’t expect them to be yours. My scars have been reopened, and wounds can only be healed HIS wounds, and who i am can only be found in HIM.
Its going to be worth it, and i have to believe that.
ponderings of a princess... 
So. You need words of affirmation.
I have to say God must have sent me here to answer that need for you.
I could tell you how you bless me and I love your passion for Jesus. But believe it or not…my affirmation does not fill that place in your heart and soul.
Because it was meant to be filled by your First Love.
I’ve been listening to Beth Moore audio cds in my car a lot and they have really ministered to me. I did her study on Job, “Yet Will I Trust Him.” And just this week I have been listening (again) to her “Mary of Bethany” cds.
She spoke on just what I picked up from your post…we really do need to hear God’s words of affirmation. It is a hunger we have planted by our Master Gardener. And she says to go to the book of Ephesians and read that you are chosen.
Not one bit preaching to you, sweet princess, just loving you. I am happy to be His branch here on earth growing from His Vine planted in heaven. May we spread His Grace, Love and Glory all over this place!
Love u,
twink
thanks twinkle, i have thought of Job several times in the last few weeks “even tho you slay me, yet will i praise you”. so i give up my pathetic praise…praying lots.
i am thinking that my deal here is wanting to be accepted into the body Christ, and forgetting that i am already accepted by and have a place. Man can not take that from me. I don’t have an outreach at this time or a church. Everything seemed to fall down veryquickly and i now know how much of a life line it was…
please pray for me to have a hunger for HIS word, i don’t seem to have it, and i must force myself to do it. You are right, my acceptance and affirmation are found in HIM. HIS sovereignty is unexplainable, and i need to believe and trust the plan HE has for me. HIS plan for me may not be in the church at all…struggling with some legalism, and the cold shoulders from church members who believe the bad that happens is because of my sin…sometimes it is…sometimes its just the way HE has planned…
love you , thanks again for being you
Sounds like “eternity” is giving you some “birth pangs.”
Listen carefully. If you see earthquakes in various places…
I sense the Spirit is calling deep unto Deep.
He will make you more uncomfortable with those who have left their First Love and with those who are wolves among the sheep.
Trust me here, I know how you feel, mostly because I am in the same situation.
But remember how Jesus went to the temple…even when He was not welcome there. He went to honor His Father. To worship. To be found faithful in a faithless generation.
You are not alone. There are many who love Jesus in His completeness.
Look for the most vibrant, passionate church you can find and follow Him if He calls you there.
Persecution is definitely coming. And judgement begins in the House of God.
Just ponder these thoughts and I pray that God will guide you and make you whole in this need. You are His and He sees you. His desire is towards you for good. Don’t lose heart or zeal. Today is a time of persevering.
been pondering on this since you wrote this earlier today…and it has greatly encouraged me! i am guilty of letting people who are quick to let me know how spiritual they are condemn me, and i crumble…i think God is teaching me that HE is the final authority on all things, and HE does make wise the simple.
i will think on this some more, but know this..i am thanking God for his provision through you.
Praying for you and wishing you a happy Mother’s Day! Sending you a cyberbouquet of lavender blossoms, white daisies and yellow tulips to brighten your day…they smell wonderful! Spoil yourself today…ly
“God is once again turning my heart, my life upside down and inside out, for my own good, and to bring HIM glory. Is it painful..yes. Acceptance and affirmation have become idols, and they need to go…strange that when they let me down (and of course they will) my emotions become upset with God. Realize this now… I need to ….”‘
I am right there with you, Darla… and I do have to figure out what my next move is.
I’ll pray for you while u pray for me. Deal?
Upside down and inside out?
Yeah. Praying for you…now…
bajan- of course i will pray for you
Michelle- thanks…the waiting is the hardest…i know you know
Wow, I didn’t even realize you were writing again…. YEAH~! “I don’t let people very close to me, until i am pulling away into my seclusion that feels like home to me.” That made me tear up… because I can SO relate… thank you for this, you understand me, and I so needed this today. Love you! (Keep writing 🙂
We seem to be on the same path Darla. Only, I am the master at pulling away into seclusion, Ugh! Yet during the seclusion times, He lets me know I am chosen and I don’t have to measure up to anyone, and to stop comparing myself to others and falling short. Sweetie, our past lives are our testimony to His Grace. We didn’t ask for our past but He sure has been faithful to us. We are all works in progress with Him, One on One. I get so tired of “religious” people who are just out of reach. Jesus is always available and reaching out to us. That’s good enough for me. He always uses us where we are:) I love you girl and accept you just as you are. Real and Honest. Have a wonderful weekend.
Love and Hugs, Laurie
Debs- surprised that anyone reads me anymore..=)
Laurie, thanks girl! you always did get me! and i have been just keeping my focus on that no matter what is happening in my life, it can not seperate me from the love of God.
Darla….you just described the journey I was on for the past year or so. I’ve rounded the corner and am in the sunshine again, but yeah….oh how I was there. Well, it’s never really very far from me. That journey was almost the end of me. Why? I became a Word anorexic. I wasn’t hungry, so I didn’t eat. My advice….eat anyway. Even if you’re not hungry. Even if it tastes like cardboard. Even if it’s as appealing as worms. Pray for hunger…but eat anyway. That’s where the Beth Moore Study came into my life. I used to be so passionately stirred and drawn to His word, and when I couldn’t find that passion anymore, I made a decision to lean on someone elses for as long as I needed to. It’s a hard journey friend….and sometimes we need angels to feed us. Lean! I’m praying for you!
Kelly … I like your challenge …. a Word anorexic…. ouch….
” I wasn’t hungry, so I didn’t eat. My advice….eat anyway. Even if you’re not hungry. Even if it tastes like cardboard. Even if it’s as appealing as worms. Pray for hunger…but eat anyway.”
I think I needed to read that.
Getting the ketchup to put on the cardboard……
bajanpoet….you have KETCHUP for your cardboard? So not fair. 😉
Thanks Kelly! been taking your advice…its working..
bajan 😉
Darla, I am so glad 🙂 And if you can figure out how bajan get’s ketchup on his cardboard….do let me know! That’s gotta be almost as good as garlic! lol!
LOL
In all seriousness “Eat anyway” … that might be my new slogan…. 🙂
Mustard anyone? Needed to complement the ketchup! HA!
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🙂
I so want to reply with words of encouragement, but not sure I know how to. Fact is, what you have gone/are going through is a very real and vital part of growing in our love of/for the Lord and knowing Him. And learning to trust Him. Not just in the good times.
I have a page on my blog on suffering that might be of some comfort to you, Darla. Maybe not. But maybe. If you are going to get the meat, though, you will need to read it thoroughly – not skim over it. Even the passage I included. Word for word, meditatively.
And finally, at my age, me, a people lover all my life, have come to the conclusion that I don’t like people. Both inside and outside the body of believers. They are incredibly selfish, petty, self-seeking and self-serving and I realize I am tired of trying to relate to them. Is that good? No. Jesus died for them. As He did for me. But I really don’t like them.
So…my own dilemma…what do I do? I am known for my social gatherings for fellowship. I have never felt a need to “entertain.” But gather for fellowship? Yes. Not now, though. I am still wrestling with this but working it out one day at a time. If I am invited, I go. I try to make myself do something at least every 6-8 weeks. Even if it’s just one couple. I am convinced that hospitality is the heart of living the gospel, which is probably one reason it is so under attack today. If we will really be willing to spend time together, past the uncomfortable times, we usually grow in a love for one another. But too often we can’t be bothered to push through.
So, my girl…good luck. Only of course, it isn’t luck. It’s a bonding with our Lord, in His sufferings and rejections. I know it’s worth it. But it is painful.
I forgot to paste my blog. Here it is. http://kauaimom9.wordpress.com/