sometimes God uses the element of surprise to get straight to my heart, and been asking for that for sometime…a heart change.
on sunday our church played a clip with a guy speaking of his childhood, father murdered, mother suicide, and how he is today, still messed up (in my opinion) but learning to hold on to God and accept HIS plan for him. tough stuff…
of course the element of surprise hit quite a few notes in my heart…the enemy raced in to be his ignorant self. didn’t hear too much of the service after that, but my emotions and thoughts seemed to go nuts! while i fought to keep my mind focused, the LORD just spoke into my chaotic heart…soft and firm..”you don’t trust me”…that revelation that is mild in comparison of what others hear…was devastating to me. you see i want to trust HIM, i know longer want to understand the past, and for long periods of time i am believing that i trust HIM. Just a video of someone i didn’t even know, and just the words murder, suicide..disappointed at that moment that everything in my reacted so differently from what i believe.
God is walking this out with me…i understand Soveriegnty, i understand LOVE, but somehow my mind needs to grasp that HE is all of HIS attributes at once…the enemy needs shut out once and for all, and my trust in HIM should not be so easily shaken.
so today i rejoice in the fact that- i asked HIM to help my unbelief, i know that alot of areas where i fall down at is a result of unbelief…battled for months with where and why do i have this…and now i know…i don’t trust him with everything..do you? how do you do that? are you for real or just giving me the sunday school version because you know that? i know that too..then there is a heart connect, where words and actions should become one and the same..
asked God recently to spare anothers heart, and pleaded with HIM, to want to …odd huh? and with in 45 minutes a phone call told me, the miraculous had happened in that persons life….again the soft voice…”princess trust me”