When my I was pregnant with my first child, her father died. There are no words for what I felt or thought during those remaining three months of pregnancy. No one could console me. I locked myself in my room, and only family saw me, when they intruded in my space. No words came from my lips. No tears fell from my eyes. Total numbness.
At some point in the last month, I came to life again, or what I felt life would be from this point on… As I slept , I had a dream and I saw her in my dream, this perfectly beautiful baby girl with a face just like her daddy’s, and I felt a love for her that I didn’t know I could posess. My mom felt sorry for me, and consistently told me “its just a dream…God will not show you her before she is born.” But HE did. When I gave birth to her, instead of looking in to her eyes for the first time, I knew I already did. My heart broke in a million pieces, my very cold, hard heart, shattered. How could someone so wonderful come from someone like me? My past was so dirty.
I know that God shattered my heart, and then piece by piece HE is still putting it back together. It took me 18 years to allow HIM to console me, and to begin the healing process.
I know how very much I love my children. I am totally nuts over them! There is nothing I will not attempt to do to make thier lives easier, and to put a smile on thier face. There is no danger I will not step into to keep them safe. As I looked at my first daughter yesterday, and saw her smile, I remembered how much we have gone through. How much love she stirred in me from the beginning that I had no idea I was capable of. God stirred my heart…HE loves her even more than I do..all of us..an Overwhelming Love that we can not comprehend in our wildest dreams. In comparison of how much I love my children, God’s love for us is so much higher, deeper, wider, longer…perfect love….I stand amazed and in awe of that LOVE that HE had to teach me. Not only that I possess a fraction of the love, but to help me wrap my head around the intensity of HIS.