All my life I believed that there was a GOD, I just didn’t believe HE was very interested in me. Actually I believed HE hated me. I set out to be a better person and to raise my children with a knowledge of HIM, and a hope that HE would be interested in them. My heart was striving to be a good wife, as I knew little about that, and had married the man who seemed to always be there and genuinely liked me. Love, yes we loved, or what we knew of love at that time.
After returning to a church after 20 years of ignoring it, still attending hoping HE would look down and have mercy on my children, and give them some kind of blessing. Although I had been educated in the Bible, there was no connection to my heart. Often I asked questions like, “What is Grace?”, “What is unforgivable?” “Why do we say Hope, and think of a positive?” I rarely got an answer that made any sense to me. So I knew of HIM, but had yet to experience HIM.
Our marriage was falling apart, drugs and alcohol numbed the pain, while still being functional, and wearing a mask. The LORD pulled me closer, and I cried out to HIM, kneeling (had not done that since I was a little girl), and begging. “Please, don’t let all this fall down, don’t take him from me, even if you hate me, surely you love my children, I will do anything..Please”. That was the moment I experienced HIM for the first time, undeniably! HE wrapped me up in HIM, the warmth and the love that enveloped me was incredible and the first time that I had ever felt anything like it. Joy filled my heart, HE loved me, HE really loved me…
The next day, sitting in my room, not wanting to leave whatever just happened, HE spoke to my heart, that I needed to read the Bible. The only Bible I had was a Dollar Store $5 KJV Bible (I carried to church to look appropriate). My response was “okay, but I really don’t understand any of it, I need you to help me understand, I don’t even know where to start..” Somehow, I bumped the Bible and it fell to the floor, and laid open, and this is what caught my eye and my attention.
Proverbs 9:10 “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; the knowledge of the holy is understanding.”
This is the beginning of our Awesome God being the Lifter of my Head.