There was a void in me that interrupted my sleep, it burned deep with in me, and caused pain for me and for those who loved me. At times I remember feeling the sorrow that I caused others who loved me. But the empty void was so incredibly painful, that I began drinking heavy, dabbled with weed, speeders, and downers…I did not move onto the harder stuff as a result of what I described in Part II. I met a man at the bar I frequented, he always looked out of place. Very well off and dressed better than the rest who were always there. He always seemed to come shortly after me. (Later I found out that the bar tender was calling him if I showed up) He also had an empty void that burned and seemed to take over his thoughts. He was a vietnam veteran. Our romance was short, and although I adored him, I kept him at arms length for sometime. And so many women had thier sites on him. I really didn’t want the drama. But he pursued me. He showed up everywhere, and treated me like royalty. I became pregnant(which I was told at 17 that due to the abuse I had endured, this was not going to happen). But when I was ready to tell him, He told me that he needed some time away from me. And the other women..still around…I didn’t want him to return to me for this reason of being pregnant, and I was pretty sure I was destined to struggle anyway. I knew he was having nightmares and was very withdrawn, and somehow I had made him my god. I always opened the door to him and I would have given him anything. He committed suicide when I was 6 months pregnant, and I would have followed him there if not for the child I was carrying. (She truly is a gift from God, and the way that God brought me closer to himself) I spent endless days at my special secluded place, crying and yelling at God. “I know why you don’t want me, but why would you punish a baby to take her daddy, and start her like this?” I recieved many phone calls through out the pregnancy of ways to abort this baby…but I could not entertain the thought, she was all I had left of my god. Many others called and wanted me to give her up for adoption, but again she was all I had in the world, and I wanted to keep her. And I did. After she was born, looking just like her daddy, I was determined to give her the best life, and to protect her. I started drinking again, and working long hours to provide for her, and the void continued to burn, and my head still looking down, although holding my head high…so no one would know the turmoil within…
I know today that God would not tolerate another god, and I know every single time I look into my daughters beautiful face, that God knew I would follow him to the grave, and this miracle baby gave me the reason I needed to press on. So while I was so angry at God, HE was loving and patient with me. Did I walk in the blessing? no. Did I lift my eyes to HIM? no. I didn’t think it was possible to look up, and certainly not at HIM. I truly believed HE existed, I just truly believed that HE hated me.
God is Holy, and Pure, HE is not vindictive. There are repercussions to sin, and I have learned that through many times choosing the wrong things, and for not looking to HIM to be my everything. HE alone can fill the void..it hurts don’t it?, its consuming, and the quiet will stir it til you find yourself against a wall, or in a heap on the floor. HE is the only one and the only thing that fills a soul with peace and joy, and can make the void full. Please know that you have not out sinned the grace of God. HIS offer still stands as long as you have breath. Come before HIM, and repent of your sin, lay it all down at HIS feet, believe that Jesus died for those sins, and that God has forgiven them. Believe that Jesus raised from the dead, and that you are loved by HIM..allow HIM to be the king of your heart, and I promise you…HE will fill that void. (to be continued)
(you can find the beginning of this story on the page listed the same as this title- thank you Ellen at Stormstories for your encouragement to day to tell this part.
Five years or so passed before I started to seriously date for relationship. I just didn’t want a man around with all the drama that seemed to be part of that. My baby girl was my world. I still partied but not extensively (so I felt that was acceptable), I did not party in front of my daughter, and men were not allowed to come to my home. That was our refuge from the world.
Eventually I gave in to a young man, a farmer(go head laugh, I know you want to). I was so desperate for something to be the way it should. (God was already working on my heart, I was tired of living under the curse) Life seemed good for a while, and he had a son, so I took him in like my own. Soon, he was drunk everyday, and missing work. It was nothing to come home and find the electric turned off, or all my food eaten by his drunken buddies who were now sleeping on my floor, at 4 in the afternoon. He started to beat me when I was sleeping, (with good reason, I tore him up awake)for things that I later found out he was doing. Long story short..I caught him with my best friend, so I lost them both the same day. I never felt pain like that of betrayal. And it felt like my heart had been cut out and left laying for me to look at. By this time I have two girls and a son that is not mine. I tried to work through it with him, and no friend…but it increasing got worse. My pain and his actions. He soon had several girlfriends, and told my girls to call me names. He did this in front of me, and it broke my heart even more to hear them call me names out of those precious little mouths. This time my girls(71/2, 1) and his son(6) watched me push him through a door, and beat him til the police arrived. All charges were dropped. (Thank you Jesus)
My only friend left in the world worked with me, and saw me go through all this, broken ribs, tears that seemed they would not end. This friend helped me move out while he was at work (another thank you Jesus for him going to work), and helped me set up a new place to live. This friend was there for me, and seemed to have no motives other than he liked me, just like I was. I had no idea that he would become the wonderful husband that I have today! (Again thank you Jesus)
I could not write this part of my story for a long time. I could not articulate exactly why. I had forgiven him, and I had moved on with Jesus Christ, I just couldn’t tell this part. Recently, I was pulled into court to see him face to face over a support order that is now 14 years old. I never took full support, and only asked for 325 a month to cover the sitter expenses, no medical support, nothing else. It was raised to 425 a month 6 years ago by the state. I totally fell apart knowing that I had to see him again. The rejection, and betrayal seemed to surface, and I needed Jesus to go with me. Turned out he needed a favor, and for me to lower the support to keep him out of jail. I asked him to sign her over to us and I would drop the support all together. Forgiving the debt and the one that was past due. He agreed.
I looked at this man, and knew that GOD had made such a change in my heart. I no longer looked at him with contempt, I looked at a broken man who needed Jesus. I told him that. “Jesus is the only one who can fix your problems, and you should really take some time and talk to HIM, it’s working for me..” He shook his head thanked me, and said “who would’ve thunk”.
God heals the hurts, HE binds up the wounds, and when it is most uncomfortable for me, HE has a plan that is worth following HIM into. (My next entry to this will be my story of when I came to Christ and made a commitment, and How that changed everything,..truly lifting my head)