This is who I am. I am a thinker. I am a question person. I am a learner. I am a follwer of Christ. I am not happy with the mundane, I am striving for something better and higher than me. I want to be a reflection of Jesus, not just in what I say but what I do.
I think about Jesus crying out to the Father to remove this cup from him…and in HIS agony, HE still choose what the Father wanted. HE was obedient to death, on a cross, without any sin, to be sin for me. HE has forgiven me and extended mercy to me, that is beyond what I can wrap my head around, but I know its true. As I read through HIS word, somethings make me cry out to HIM, because I want the cup to be removed from me, and I am not being asked to die on a cross for someone else. I am being told to pick up my cross, and follow. The forgiveness that was given to me is to be given to others, it doesn’t matter how I feel about it, it matters that HE has told me to do that. The mercy that I have been given, is to be given to others, again it doesn’t matter how I feel about it, it matters that HE is telling me to do it.
At times I cry out because my road seems so very narrow, and I just want some space on it…but HE does not give me that. I walk my doberman on a short leash, because she is easily distracted, and sometimes she only has a handle that attachs to her collar, because she is over anxious, and I can not control her when she is given too much room. And if she gets away from me, she could get hurt, or worse. She doesn’t know what is best for her, she only knows what she likes and what she wants. I am also on that short leash most of the time, and other times I am on the handle. Not because HE is mean, because HE is good, and knows what is best for me.
I will at times give questions without answers on this blog…but they are not ever pointed at one person..I am not judgemental. I am a sinner, I am a drug addict, I am an alcholic, abused and abuser, I know what its like to have no one, and I know what is like to steal to live…I know where I was when HE stooped into a pit of slime in all HIS holiness for me. This is who I am..and who I was, and who I will be is a picture of Jesus. GOd is not finished with me, and I am not finished with growing and learning more about HIM. But I don’t want to just learn, I want to live the thing. Every day, each waking moment, every single time something arises…I want my first thought to be “Father is this what you want for me?, and make me a teachable person so that I may learn and move on with it”.
I am not judging please do the same for me.