Down to the Bottom-Lifter of my Head (part 1)

^{How about it? Have we got some stories from being down on the bottom? They are no good if we don’t share them with someone else, and if we don’t grow from the mistakes, or hard times.My background is full of abuse. Some of it inflicted on me, some of it I choose all in the name of love, some was substance abuse, and some was just a dead spirit without hope of anything better. Partly a prodigal, partly ignorant that God loved me at all. I heard the concept, (when very young) God had plans for my life even before HE knit me together in my mothers womb. My honest thoughts then were “how cruel”! So that is where I am starting…my deepest thoughts were I am not chosen…I believed in God, but HE had a sense of humor and I was the joke. I WAS VERY WRONG!! GOD HAS A PLAN, AND I AM CHOSEN! Beauty and power became my obsession, at a very young age. However, an overweight kid had to do something about that. Well making myself puke was not for me, but drugs…ahhhhhhh not only did I love how I felt on them, but I was hot! Men were falling and knocking and ringing the phone..I was picking and choosing for the first time…THAT IS HOW DECEPTION CRAWLS INTO A LIFE. IT OFFERS SOMETHING THAT YOU DESPERATELY WANT, OR THINK YOU NEED. I then started to sell drugs (not to kids)to support my own habit, and because it also had a power trip to it. Ah! At 19 years old I had arrived in my mind. I would never feel shame again, I would make people sorry for messing with me. Attitude as big as the whole outdoors…FUNNY IT ALL ADDED TO MY SHAME, AND BECAME VERY CONFINING IN MY SOCIAL LIFE. My abuser #1 showed up in the midst of my own glory, and started to become my nightmare again. A very hard tough biker took a smile to me, and offered to protect me from this person. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THAT WAS GOING TO COST ME! But safe for a while, I agreed to marry this man. And for a few months after, it all seemed do-able. ITS CALLED PROSTITUTION, ONE SELLS THEMSELVES FOR A PRICE, PROTECTION, MONEY, HOME, EVEN A CROWD TO TELL ME HOW WONDERFUL I WAS. It was all short lived, see my attitude was simple “don’t tell me no”. His attitude was “you will do what you are told, or feel my wrath”…Did we mix it up?? At times their was not one piece of furniture unturned, and I wasn’t the only one toting the black eye…but it got worse. I held a gun to his head in the middle of the night “do not ever beat me and go to sleep, FOOL!” ONLY GOD STOPPED ME FROM PULLING THE TRIGGER AND RATIONALIZING IN MY BRAIN. There had to be more to life than this, and prison for the rest of my life wasn’t it. I begged him to let me leave, and I would not take one thing, I would not sue him for alimony, keep the boat, the car, the Harley Davidson…please let me go. He said NO. Girls don’t get out once they are in this group. Honestly I did not care. I spoke to a leader of this group, and he kind of scared everyone. I really didn’t feel like I had anything to lose, not even my life. This leader said “I want you to go, someone is going to die in that house, and I used to think it would be you, but I am not sure about that anymore, go I will make sure no one comes after you.” ENTER GOD! THIS MAN HAD NO COMPASSION FOR ANYONE, AND A FEW YEARS LATER KILLED HIS WIFE FOR WANTING THE SAME THING. He did keep his word, and no one came after me. AMAZING HOW GOD WILL USE EVEN AN NON BELIEVER TO ACHIEVE THE PLAN HE HAS, NO ONE OR CIRCUMSTANCE WILL EVER CHANGE HIS PLAN. I didn’t turn to God then, I moved on and shortly I met a business man, so extremely gorgeous, and full of money, again I was looking at beauty and power…it still had something that I wanted so much, the emptiness burned deep. I DIDN’T KNOW AT THAT TIME, JESUS WAS THE BEAUTY AND POWER MY LIFE WAS SO HUNGRY FOR, AND THE ONLY ONE THAT COULD EVER FILL MY EMPTINESS.}

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