How about it? Have we got some stories from being down on the bottom? They are no good if we don’t share them with someone else, and if we don’t grow from the mistakes, or hard times.My background is full of abuse. Some of it inflicted on me, some of it I choose all in the name of love, some was substance abuse, and some was just a dead spirit without hope of anything better. Partly a prodigal, partly ignorant that God loved me at all. I heard the concept, (when very young) God had plans for my life even before HE knit me together in my mothers womb. My honest thoughts then were “how cruel”! So that is where I am starting…my deepest thoughts were I am not chosen…I believed in God, but HE had a sense of humor and I was the joke. I WAS VERY WRONG!! GOD HAS A PLAN, AND I AM CHOSEN! Beauty and power became my obsession, at a very young age. However, an overweight kid had to do something about that. Well making myself puke was not for me, but drugs…ahhhhhhh not only did I love how I felt on them, but I was hot! Men were falling and knocking and ringing the phone..I was picking and choosing for the first time…THAT IS HOW DECEPTION CRAWLS INTO A LIFE. IT OFFERS SOMETHING THAT YOU DESPERATELY WANT, OR THINK YOU NEED. I then started to sell drugs (not to kids)to support my own habit, and because it also had a power trip to it. Ah! At 19 years old I had arrived in my mind. I would never feel shame again, I would make people sorry for messing with me. Attitude as big as the whole outdoors…FUNNY IT ALL ADDED TO MY SHAME, AND BECAME VERY CONFINING IN MY SOCIAL LIFE. My abuser #1 showed up in the midst of my own glory, and started to become my nightmare again. A very hard tough biker took a smile to me, and offered to protect me from this person. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THAT WAS GOING TO COST ME! But safe for a while, I agreed to marry this man. And for a few months after, it all seemed do-able. ITS CALLED PROSTITUTION, ONE SELLS THEMSELVES FOR A PRICE, PROTECTION, MONEY, HOME, EVEN A CROWD TO TELL ME HOW WONDERFUL I WAS. It was all short lived, see my attitude was simple “don’t tell me no”. His attitude was “you will do what you are told, or feel my wrath”…Did we mix it up?? At times their was not one piece of furniture unturned, and I wasn’t the only one toting the black eye…but it got worse. I held a gun to his head in the middle of the night “do not ever beat me and go to sleep, FOOL!” ONLY GOD STOPPED ME FROM PULLING THE TRIGGER AND RATIONALIZING IN MY BRAIN. There had to be more to life than this, and prison for the rest of my life wasn’t it. I begged him to let me leave, and I would not take one thing, I would not sue him for alimony, keep the boat, the car, the Harley Davidson…please let me go. He said NO. Girls don’t get out once they are in this group. Honestly I did not care. I spoke to a leader of this group, and he kind of scared everyone. I really didn’t feel like I had anything to lose, not even my life. This leader said “I want you to go, someone is going to die in that house, and I used to think it would be you, but I am not sure about that anymore, go I will make sure no one comes after you.” ENTER GOD! THIS MAN HAD NO COMPASSION FOR ANYONE, AND A FEW YEARS LATER KILLED HIS WIFE FOR WANTING THE SAME THING. He did keep his word, and no one came after me. AMAZING HOW GOD WILL USE EVEN AN NON BELIEVER TO ACHIEVE THE PLAN HE HAS, NO ONE OR CIRCUMSTANCE WILL EVER CHANGE HIS PLAN. I didn’t turn to God then, I moved on and shortly I met a business man, so extremely gorgeous, and full of money, again I was looking at beauty and power…it still had something that I wanted so much, the emptiness burned deep. I DIDN’T KNOW AT THAT TIME, JESUS WAS THE BEAUTY AND POWER MY LIFE WAS SO HUNGRY FOR, AND THE ONLY ONE THAT COULD EVER FILL MY EMPTINESS
Down to the Bottom/Lifter of my Head II
It’s been a long time since I posted any more of my story, and I am feeling like God is pushing me off my seat again.. Go here for the part one
As if part one wasn’t enough, and as if I should have known the bottom by that point…it was just the beginning of discovering that the bottom has no bottom. There is no such thing as this is as low it goes…
My next adventure with men, took me to a place where romance was a scam. And I fell for it. At that time, I started to not only sell drugs but use more than I sold, fighting with anyone and everyone…so much anger and suicidal tendancies made me a dangerous person on the outside, and a scared little girl on the inside. I didn’t look up, I always looked down or blank stared through people, but look up..no. If I had, maybe I would have seen Jesus holding out HIS hands to me.
I became a junky. I took everything and anything, and I am sure I should have been dead on several accounts to my addiction. This was my first brush with the supernatural, and the power of GOD that intrigued me, and would not leave my thoughts. It isn’t unusal to see things that aren’t there when high as a kite…but it is unusual to remember them over a period of time. I know that GOD pursued me in that moment. For what I saw is still vivid in my mind. I saw a beautiful woman, who threatened to take all that I had left, and she laughed at me, she taunted me, and when I reached for her, she became the most hideous creature I had ever seen…it was like looking into a porthole straight into hell. Terrifying. I cried out with what even surprised me at the time, was a prayer that my step dad made me learn. ( bless him for that) But all I could remember was…”Our Father who art in Heaven…deliver me from the evil one” and a peace came over me, and I left that house, and never returned. My addiction was gone and needles and drugs a thing of the past. I was scared to death to even entertain the thought.
The Power of Almighty God in the dark kingdom. I felt it that night, as HE grabbed me again from the pit. Did I look up at that point? you would think that I would have, but no.
While looking back at this time in my life, I was desperate to believe in romance, love, and a safe place to land. Still wanting the fairy tale. The fairy tale goes like this…A knight in shining armor will ride in on a white horse, and rescue the maiden in distress, and will take her with him to his castle and take care of her, and live happily ever after…. For many years I scolded women for telling their daughters that lie..but is it a lie….
Ever read the last few chapters of Revelation, please do..HE is coming on a white horse, and we are going to live happily ever after…if you have repented your sin and allow HIM to be the KING of your heart. Its not to late…you haven’t missed it..Please, I beg you..let HIM in and let HIM trade your ashes for beauty. (to be continued…down to the bottom/lifter of my head)
Down to the bottom-Lifter of my Head III
Here is the link to part I and part II.
There was a void in me that interrupted my sleep, it burned deep with in me, and caused pain for me and for those who loved me. At times I remember feeling the sorrow that I caused others who loved me. But the empty void was so incredibly painful, that I began drinking heavy, dabbled with weed, speeders, and downers…I did not move onto the harder stuff as a result of what I described in Part II. I met a man at the bar I frequented, he always looked out of place. Very well off and dressed better than the rest who were always there. He always seemed to come shortly after me. (Later I found out that the bar tender was calling him if I showed up) He also had an empty void that burned and seemed to take over his thoughts. He was a vietnam veteran. Our romance was short, and although I adored him, I kept him at arms length for sometime. And so many women had thier sites on him. I really didn’t want the drama. But he pursued me. He showed up everywhere, and treated me like royalty. I became pregnant(which I was told at 17 that due to the abuse I had endured, this was not going to happen). But when I was ready to tell him, He told me that he needed some time away from me. And the other women..still around…I didn’t want him to return to me for this reason of being pregnant, and I was pretty sure I was destined to struggle anyway. I knew he was having nightmares and was very withdrawn, and somehow I had made him my god. I always opened the door to him and I would have given him anything. He committed suicide when I was 6 months pregnant, and I would have followed him there if not for the child I was carrying. (She truly is a gift from God, and the way that God brought me closer to himself) I spent endless days at my special secluded place, crying and yelling at God. “I know why you don’t want me, but why would you punish a baby to take her daddy, and start her like this?” I recieved many phone calls through out the pregnancy of ways to abort this baby…but I could not entertain the thought, she was all I had left of my god. Many others called and wanted me to give her up for adoption, but again she was all I had in the world, and I wanted to keep her. And I did. After she was born, looking just like her daddy, I was determined to give her the best life, and to protect her. I started drinking again, and working long hours to provide for her, and the void continued to burn, and my head still looking down, although holding my head high…so no one would know the turmoil within…
I know today that God would not tolerate another god, and I know every single time I look into my daughters beautiful face, that God knew I would follow him to the grave, and this miracle baby gave me the reason I needed to press on. So while I was so angry at God, HE was loving and patient with me. Did I walk in the blessing? no. Did I lift my eyes to HIM? no. I didn’t think it was possible to look up, and certainly not at HIM. I truly believed HE existed, I just truly believed that HE hated me.
God is Holy, and Pure, HE is not vindictive. There are repercussions to sin, and I have learned that through many times choosing the wrong things, and for not looking to HIM to be my everything. HE alone can fill the void..it hurts don’t it?, its consuming, and the quiet will stir it til you find yourself against a wall, or in a heap on the floor. HE is the only one and the only thing that fills a soul with peace and joy, and can make the void full. Please know that you have not out sinned the grace of God. HIS offer still stands as long as you have breath. Come before HIM, and repent of your sin, lay it all down at HIS feet, believe that Jesus died for those sins, and that God has forgiven them. Believe that Jesus raised from the dead, and that you are loved by HIM..allow HIM to be the king of your heart, and I promise you…HE will fill that void. (to be continued)
Down to the Bottom/Lifter of my head IV
Five years or so passed before I started to seriously date for relationship. I just didn’t want a man around with all the drama that seemed to be part of that. My baby girl was my world. I still partied but not extensively (so I felt that was acceptable), I did not party in front of my daughter, and men were not allowed to come to my home. That was our refuge from the world.
Eventually I gave in to a young man, a farmer(go head laugh, I know you want to). I was so desperate for something to be the way it should. (God was already working on my heart, I was tired of living under the curse) Life seemed good for a while, and he had a son, so I took him in like my own. Soon, he was drunk everyday, and missing work. It was nothing to come home and find the electric turned off, or all my food eaten by his drunken buddies who were now sleeping on my floor, at 4 in the afternoon. He started to beat me when I was sleeping, (with good reason, I tore him up awake)for things that I later found out he was doing. Long story short..I caught him with my best friend, so I lost them both the same day. I never felt pain like that of betrayal. And it felt like my heart had been cut out and left laying for me to look at. By this time I have two girls and a son that is not mine. I tried to work through it with him, and no friend…but it increasing got worse. My pain and his actions. He soon had several girlfriends, and told my girls to call me names. He did this in front of me, and it broke my heart even more to hear them call me names out of those precious little mouths. This time my girls(71/2, 1) and his son(6) watched me push him through a door, and beat him til the police arrived. All charges were dropped. (Thank you Jesus)
My only friend left in the world worked with me, and saw me go through all this, broken ribs, tears that seemed they would not end. This friend helped me move out while he was at work (another thank you Jesus for him going to work), and helped me set up a new place to live. This friend was there for me, and seemed to have no motives other than he liked me, just like I was. I had no idea that he would become the wonderful husband that I have today! (Again thank you Jesus)
I could not write this part of my story for a long time. I could not articulate exactly why. I had forgiven him, and I had moved on with Jesus Christ, I just couldn’t tell this part. Recently, I was pulled into court to see him face to face over a support order that is now 14 years old. I never took full support, and only asked for 325 a month to cover the sitter expenses, no medical support, nothing else. It was raised to 425 a month 6 years ago by the state. I totally fell apart knowing that I had to see him again. The rejection, and betrayal seemed to surface, and I needed Jesus to go with me. Turned out he needed a favor, and for me to lower the support to keep him out of jail. I asked him to sign her over to us and I would drop the support all together. Forgiving the debt and the one that was past due. He agreed.
I looked at this man, and knew that GOD had made such a change in my heart. I no longer looked at him with contempt, I looked at a broken man who needed Jesus. I told him that. “Jesus is the only one who can fix your problems, and you should really take some time and talk to HIM, it’s working for me..” He shook his head thanked me, and said “who would’ve thunk”.
God heals the hurts, HE binds up the wounds, and when it is most uncomfortable for me, HE has a plan that is worth following HIM into. (My next entry to this will be my story of when I came to Christ and made a commitment, and How that changed everything,..truly lifting my head)
1, December 3, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Wow! Praise the Lord! Very touching. I’ve had it pretty easy, so sometimes I forget how much Jesus has done for me. Every time I hear a testimony like yours of God’s deliverance, He reminds me all over again how much I have been forgiven. The part about your daughter almost made me cry. Crisis pregnancies are one of my soft spots. I used to work at a crisis pregnancy center. I miss seeing those little miracles on a daily basis, but now I have one of my own.
Thank you for sharing your story. I pray that God will use you to touch many lives.
1, December 5, 2008 at 8:49 pm
world can wait– thanks for stopping here, and for commenting. You are very kind. I need to sit down and finish this, because the most spectacular of all events is not here yet…will get over to you blog soon. thanks again
1, December 21, 2008 at 10:45 am
Please finish this story…. Where are you now? How did you get out of your “God hates me” mindset…?
1, January 1, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Darla.. You and I need to talk about making this ready to be published else where.
If you know what I am saying?
Peace and love sis.
1, January 5, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Thank you!
Even in its initial dark sadness it is beautiful.
1, February 11, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Darla, I am overwhelmed reading your story
1, February 19, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Tola-praying for you, and I haven’t heard from you for a while..how are you princess?
1, February 28, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I love your site!
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1, March 31, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Darla; Thank you for your comment.. I just had to come and read your story, and I understand your feelings.. The Good thing Is! you now have a tremendous testimony.. I love reading story’s of victory.. God Bless you and yours Sister… Bro Pat .